Reunion
by Joermungard
Summary: Ellie and Luke meet again - many years later. And everything that happened between them comes rushing back at them. Re-posted and merged several chapters, but the text is the same.
1. The Traveller

**Author's note (August 2011): I wrote this story about eight years ago and just recently came across it by accident. I'm in the process of editing and rewriting it, but here's a little taste for you.**

**Second author's note (March 2013) - I recently noticed that the way I published my story does exactly what I hate about some stories on here - really short chapters so you constantly have to be pushing "next". It's simply a result of my writing process, but I personally find it annoying to read. So I'm joining together all those small chapters and hopefully, that'll make for a better reading experience - but the story is pretty exactly the same (save for minor style edits), because otherwise I'd feel like I was cheating those of you who have been following this story from the start. **

**Disclaimer: I am not Raymond Thompson or anyone else affiliated with the Tribe. I'm not making any money out of this - I'm just having a bit of fun with the characters.**

A traveller picked his way along a winding path through the forest. The people in his world would have called him old – he was nearing 30, an almost unheard-of age in this place, where ten or so years ago all the adults had succumbed to a mysterious virus. He had been lucky, if you could call it so – the virus had spared his then 18-year-old self, but he had been plunged into this strange new world of children, and he wasn't always so sure if he was glad to be alive. The years had been hard on him – his tall frame was lean, bordering on emaciated, the sinews of his arms and hands sticking out, not an ounce of fat on him. Deep lines had been dug into his face, and only few of them bore the memory of laughter – most lines spoke of frowns, of sadness. What did he have to be happy about? His parents were long gone, and he hardly thought about them any more – what good would it do? - but all his dreams were gone, too, all except one.

He had once dreamed of a better world for all those scared little children he saw on every street corner, but this dream had been taken from him, twisted and perverted by a lunatic, and long, painful experience had taught him that these dreams were worthless in a world where nobody wanted to conform to "the adult's rules". "The adults" were long gone, and even though most of the children from the time of the virus were grown up themselves now, most still clung to the idea that since "the adults" were gone, they could do whatever they liked, order and peace be damned. There were, of course, peaceful little corners in this world, too, places where some people stuck together and made ends meet in relative harmony, but he had yet to find a corner he himself fit into. Apart from that brief time of happiness, seven, eight years ago, he had roamed the country, from one end of the island to another and back again, north, south, east and west, like a piece of paper buffeted around by the wind.

Sometimes, he wondered why he kept going. What was the point? He could just settle down, join a tribe, or find himself an abandoned house and set up shop there, or maybe just quit existing at all – but when he contemplated these possibilities, he always knew that there was one thing he needed to do before he could consider putting an end to his wanderings. There was one person he needed to see once more, if only for a minute, if only to tell her... tell her what? That he hadn't forgotten about her? That he was sorry? He hardly knew, the only thing he knew with any kind of certainty was that he had to keep going until he had seen her one more time.

So he kept trudging up the path, hoping that, this time, his information was correct, and that she would be there, at the end of it. As the path opened up to a small valley, a large country house rose up in front of him, with an orchard on one side and a few vegetable plots on the other. Once upon a time, before the virus, it would have been stately, but today, it was a little run-down, though still much better-kept than the houses in the city that had been looted and vandalized many times over. It had probably escaped this fate only by virtue of its hidden-ness, tucked away in this little valley between the overgrown hills.

His size and age made it unnecessary to be overly cautious, few people dared attack him, but somehow, this house with its friendly yellow exterior gave him the impression that it must be a friendly sort of tribe that lived there – so he approached it without fear, and soon stood in the old entrance hall.

"Hello? Anybody home?" he called.

* * *

><p>A door opened somewhere on the first floor, and though he could not see whoever was walking towards him in the gathering dusk, he could hear their footsteps. A pair of bare feet appeared in the last rays of light falling through the open door, followed by legs clad in dark jeans, a washed-out purple sweater, and finally, the face of a young woman of perhaps 20 or so years. It was always hard to tell these days how old someone was, he thought – time showed differently on faces nowadays than back when life had been made easy by the adults.<p>

She looked nice, this woman, welcoming, even. When she caught sight of him, standing in the doorway a little uncertainly, she smiled broadly. "Hello, stranger. What brings you to this remote part of the world?"

He felt it the best to respond to her friendliness with frankness, instead of beating around the bush. "I was hoping to find someone here – a girl named Ellie? About 23, 24 I'd say, blonde hair, brown eyes? Used to live in the city, one or two lifetimes ago?"

For a moment, she looked thoughtful. "There's someone like that here, but she doesn't generally care for strangers. You know each other?"

"We did, once. Do you think I could talk to her, please?"

"I think I'll leave that up to her. I'll go fetch her – what did you say your name was?"

"I didn't say anything." He could see the girl's face closing up – it was never a good sign in this world when someone wouldn't give their name, but he felt that if Ellie knew who wanted to see her, she might not want to. He tried to regain a little ground by showing his empty hands and small bag of possessions, obviously devoid of any weapons. "Just... tell her it's an old friend. Don't worry, I mean her no harm."

"Oh, I'm not worried about that. She can take care of herself. But you'll understand that we're a little sceptic around here when someone won't tell us their name or their business."

He looked her directly in the eyes. "You'd be stupid if you weren't wary. I swear, I come in peace."

She shrugged. "Well, if you're not going to say any more, it'll have to make do. I warn you though, don't try any funny business. Don't think for a moment you'll get away with that."

"I won't. Thanks. I'll wait outside, if that makes you feel any more comfortable."

"It does, a little. I'll ask her if she wants to see you, and tell her where to find you."

"I'll be right here."

* * *

><p>"Ellie? You in there?"<p>

"Yeah. What's up, Gel?"

"You have a visitor. Won't say his name, but he looks like an honest sort of fellow. Says you know each other"

"Is he a Mall Rat?"

"No, I don't think so. He doesn't look like any Mall Rat I've ever met. Doesn't have any tribal markings at all. I think he might be a drifter. Tall, skinny guy, kind of good-looking, but a little old. Ring any bells?"

"Not really. I guess I'll have to go have a look."

"He's waiting outside."

"Thanks, Gel."

* * *

><p>As she walked down the stairs, she wondered who the mysterious visitor might be. If he was no Mall Rat, or indeed belonged to no tribe at all, she was at a loss who it could be – all her acquaintances were Mall Rats, Gaians or Farm Girls, and nobody else knew where she had made her home these last few years, after Mega's virus had fizzled out and they had all returned to the city. It had been a time of turmoil, back then – not just because of the renewed upheaval that Mega had caused, but also because of what had awaited her when she and the other Mall Rats had arrived at that strange island, filled with cages full of Techno prisoners. No, she wouldn't think about that now. She needed to concentrate on what lay before her – meeting a stranger who claimed to know her, but wouldn't reveal who he was.<p>

The stranger stood with his back to her, watching the sun set over the hills he had no doubt climbed over to reach her little haven.

"Who wants to speak to me but won't tell his name?"

He turned around, slowly. For a moment, she forgot to breathe.

"Luke!"

Her eyes wandered about the face that was so familiar to her, over the blue eyes, the mouth that had so often smiled at her, she remembered the dimples in his face, near the mouth, that sometimes appeared when he talked and always when he smiled. But it was long ago since she had last seen those dimples. The last time had to be eight years ago... something inside her gave a lurch and all the things that had happened since he had left flooded into her brain, all those things that she had just managed to put out of her mind half a minute ago. She grew very angry. The sight of his hopeful eyes, drinking her in, his arms half-raised as if hoping she would launch herself into them, filled her with rage.

„How dare you come back after such a long time?" she asked with a voice that could hardly hide her wrath.

He looked as if he had been hit. „I... I wanted to see you. I thought you maybe wanted to see me, too." He watched the woman in front of him, who looked up to him, towering over her 5'6'' frame, and yet it seemed as if it was her who was looking down at him. She had grown even more beautiful than he remembered her. Her hair went down to her waist now, still blonde, still so shiny, still so... breathtaking. She had changed the orange strands which he had last seen on her to black ones, and was now wearing black and white clothes, which gave her the airs of an avenging goddess, looking down at him only waiting for him to make a lethal mistake.

„You were wrong. Leave, I don't want to see you again. I'm done with you. How dare you come walking in here? Were you expecting me to shout hooray at your sight after all you have done to me?" she turned around and walked away, leaving him where he was, dazed, as if somebody had hit him right on the back of the head. What did she say? What should he have done to her? Why was she so furious? He had come back, had searched for her for almost five years, and when he found her, she shouted at him and left. Had he been mistaken all the time, thinking that she had loved him? Eight years of thinking about her ended abruptly when she told him to leave and never come back. Yes, he had left, but it had been for her own protection, couldn't she see that?

„Ellie! Wait! Why are you treating me this way? I just wanted to see you for some minutes, and you tell me to go back where I belong! What have I done to you that gives you the right to act like this?" he shouted. She turned back to him, looking as if she didn't believe what he had just said.

„What you have done?" her voice grew kind of soft, but not less wrathful. „Luke, rack your brain, it'll only take a few seconds, maybe you will remember why I didn't see you the last eight years."

"Ellie, you know why I left. Didn't you read my letter? I told you back then, over and over, that you would be better off without me!"

She almost laughed at this, a short, derisive snort, and her voice grew very soft.

"Oh yes, you left me for my own good, didn't you? Didn't bother to ask me what I thought about that, did you? You just up and left, and left me stranded there all by myself. Now ask me again why I treat you this way, ok?"

He hung his head, and for a second, she almost felt sorry for him. He didn't know half of what had happened since he had left, couldn't know... would never know. She thought about getting Sammy to boot him out, to transport him back to the road and make sure he never came back, but in the end, she couldn't bring herself to do it, he looked so sorry and dejected. She settled for walking back into the house, leaving him standing there on the front porch. She hated him for bringing up all those painful memories, but she could not send him away now, into the night.


	2. A bed to sleep in

Ellie walked into the kitchen at the back of the house where she found most of her housemates busy making dinner and talking over the events of the day. Her eyes rested fondly on the little girl playing next to the fireplace, and for a moment she lost herself in the memories of how her pride and joy had come to be. But she soon roused herself, there was too much to do, too much to take care of before she could rest and think.

"Murron, darling, could you run up to the blue room and air it out a little? We might have a guest for a few days."

"Yes, mama."

The others looked up curiously, so she plowed right on. "Lottie? There's a traveller outside who might be staying with us for a little while. Go out and see if he wants to stay. Give him the blue room."

Lottie, now 18, shot her a curious glance, but obeyed without question. Ellie was glad that Lottie had been too young back then to really be interested in what was going on, but she supposed that with the appearance of Luke, she might start asking questions. She turned to the rest of her friends.

"I guess Gel already told you that someone came to see me. He's, uh, somebody I used to know, but I haven't seen him in half a lifetime. He doesn't know about anything that happened..." she hesitated "... to me since he left. I don't want you lot to tell him anything about me, or about Murron, all right? If he asks about how we came here or about what happened in the last eight years, be my guest and tell him what you like, but I forbid all of you to mention Murron with a syllable."

They all stared at her, wide-eyed and dumbstruck. Ellie was not usually one to issue ultimatums like that. It was Gel who recovered first.

"Sheesh, Ellie, you make it sound like we're the biggest gossips in the world!"

Sam burst out laughing and laid his arm around his girlfriend's shoulder. "I guess Ellie hasn't forgotten what you used to be like, huh?" he chortled.

Gel tried, and failed, to look offended. "Oh come on, I was 15 back then, I grew up a little, you know." At Ellie's sceptic look, she grinned. "I did, seriously! Do you see any pink on me?"

Patch and Dee laughed at this, and so did Darryl. They all remembered too well the pink-and-glitter creature that had walked into the house six years ago, and who had grown up into a moderately sensible young woman. It had been Sammy who had knocked some sense into her over the years, and ever since the two had begun sharing a room, the old silly Gel only resurfaced very occasionally.

"Seriously, though," Darryl started, "what's up with that guy that has your knickers in a twist?"

Ellie shot him a calculating glance. "I'd rather not say. I don't know if he's even staying the night, I just... wanted to make sure nobody said anything. The past is best left untouched, you know that, Darryl." At that, he shrugged and continued plucking the chicken he had in his lap. "And that goes for Murron, too, mind you. As far as you lot are concerned, he's just a traveller who stopped by for a day or two, and you know nothing else."

Dee and Patch looked at each other, but did not speak – they knew each other's thoughts too well to need words. But they were all curious to see the stranger.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Lottie had tracked down Luke, who had ambled off towards the orchard in the falling darkness.<p>

"Hi. Ellie told me to find you and set you up with a room if you want to stay the night. I'm Lottie, by the way."

"Hello, Lottie. I'm Luke." He squinted at her in the half-light, only seeing dark hair and dark eyes, not much more. "Yes, that would be very nice. I'm glad you'll let me stay, if it's not too much trouble."

She laughed. "Oh, not at all. Our house is big enough for one or two extra people, and we'd never make a traveller leave this late in the day. The forest is not a good place to spend the night."

"Oh, I wouldn't mind that, I'm used to it – but a bed sounds mighty nice right now."

She must have heard the longing in his voice. "Gosh, you make it sound like you haven't slept in a proper bed for ages. Haven't you?"

He laughed, a small, mirthless sound. "Oh no. I've been wandering up and down the country for years, and not a lot of people offer beds to strangers."

"Well, we do. Come on, I'll show you up." She grabbed his hand and guided him through the trees that were now shrouded in shadows, back towards the house. He could hardly see the way in front of his feet, but she seemed to have eyes like a cat – or a very good sense of direction – and landed him on the front porch without hitting a single obstacle. There, she let go of his hand, and walked into the house with him, up the stairs, along the corridor, and into the last room on the landing, which was lit by a few large candles.

A little girl was just plumping the pillow on the large bed. She had to be about six or seven years old, with blonde hair and eyes that reminded him of somebody, though he could not tell of whom. She was dressed in simple, deep red, and wore black tribal markings on her temple, just like Lottie and Ellie and the girl who had first met him had worn.

"Hey, Murron. This is Luke, our guest." The child smiled at him, and walked over to the window to close it. "Luke, do you want to come down and have dinner with the rest of us, or would you rather rest?" Lottie asked.

"Oh no, thank you. I think I'll just grab some sleep while I can, I don't want to be a bother."

Murron and Lottie both laughed. "You wouldn't be a bother, we hardly ever get visitors, and like to hear the news when we can – but if you'd rather sleep, we'll pester you about the goings-on in the rest of the country tomorrow. I'll set you up with some breakfast first thing in the morning." With that, Lottie turned and walked out, but Murron lingered. As he set his knapsack into a chair, Luke took another look at her, and saw her watching him with curious eyes.

"So you're Murron, are you? How old are you?"

She drew herself up as tall as she could. "I'm seven. How old are you?"

"I'm twenty-eight." He laughed as he saw her eyes grow as large as saucers – hardly anybody around here was older than twenty-five. "Pretty old, huh?"

"Oh, my mama says it's not polite to call people old. And besides, she says there are no old people any more – people used to be much older" she scuttled closer, confidingly, "some people were even fifty or older!"

That drew the first genuine smile out of him. "Yes, I remember that. But that was a long time ago – and it'll be at least another twenty years until there are fifty-year olds again."

"Yes, and there'll be grandparents!" She looked thoughtful. "I've never had grandparents, but my mama says that one day, when I have children, she'll be a grandma, and it sounds like so much fun!"

He actually laughed at that. "Yeah, grandparents are great."

"But I have an aunt and a lot of uncles, and they're a lot of fun too. Only I don't see them very often, 'cause they live on a farm near the city, and that's ever so far away" she motioned with her little arms to show how far.

"Have you ever been to the city, Murron?" he inquired.

"Once, I think, but I was just a baby then" she said with a superior face, indicating how much more mature she felt now. "I've always lived here, with my mama and Dee and Patch and all the others."

"That sounds like fun. Do you like it here?"

"Oh yes!" she grew animated. "I help in the gardens and play with the babies, and sometimes Lottie takes me for rides on the ponies. Only sometimes I wish I had a daddy to play with." Her face clouded over.

"Don't you have one?" It was a stupid question, really. So many children these days had no fathers to speak of, and could call themselves lucky if they even had a mother – there had been so many children born out of foolishness, abandoned by their fathers, left with mothers who were children themselves, and who could barely take care of themselves, much less of a tiny creature that needed one's full love and attention.

„I don't know who he is. When I ask mama about him she tells me not to bother, and says that he won't come back. The only thing I know about him is that I look like him."

"Well, that's not very nice, to leave you and your mama alone."

"No. But it's all right, because I have mama, and Darryl is almost like a daddy to me, too. He taught me to read and everything!" She was smiling once again, full of pride of her recently acquire accomplishment.

"That was kind of him. So you like to read?"

"Very much, but I can't do it very well yet. I'm getting better, though! I'll read to you sometime, if you like!" Her face shone full of eagerness.

"I'd like that very much. Thank you, Murron."

"Well, I'm going to leave you now. It's dinnertime, and mama says never to be late. Good night, Luke!"

"Good night, little one."

And he threw himself onto the bed, falling asleep almost instantly.

* * *

><p>Downstairs, at the long kitchen table, the house's other inhabitants were each dealing with the arrival of the newcomer in their own way.<p>

Dee was calculating how much more bread to bake to accommodate an extra mouth.

Patch was asking himself whether Ellie's old friend had some medical knowledge to share.

Darryl had listened intently to Murron's description of the stranger and was busy deciding which book she ought to read to this very interesting guest who was so gratifyingly interested in her abilities.

Sammy was wondering whether the traveller could help with the potatoes, which wanted harvesting.

Gel was trying to decide whether the visitor was reason enough to look for a new outfit, so as to show him that even though they were country folk, they weren't _quite_ without style.

Lottie pondered whether they might have a few spare clothes that might fit him, for she had noticed the worn elbows of his sweater and the dreadful state of his shoes.

Finally, Ellie was lost in contemplations about the aftermath of Luke's departure, eight years ago. She wasn't listening to any of the conversations around her, but thinking back to that time of uncertainty, when Luke had left, Jack had been taken, and the Technos had waltzed into the city and claimed it for themselves. She had been so confused back then – Jack's capture by the Technos had nearly sent her over the edge. She shuddered when she remembered how she had first planted a bomb in Ebony's hotel, then tried to strangle her in her sleep – only much, much later she had realized that it was not just the loss of both men in her life that had driven her to those desperate measures. Her hormones had been going crazy – little Murron had not yet made an official announcement of her arrival, but Ellie's body had already noticed its little housemate, that much was for sure. Of course, nobody had known – not Ellie herself, nor anybody else, and it was only a month or so later, at the Techno camp, that she noticed the changes in her body, and particularly, her appetite. She had been spared of morning sickness, thank heaven, and had never really paid attention to her periods, so really, she only understood she was pregnant when her belly began to grow and Murron began to show definite signs of life. She might have rejoiced over the fact, had she been at the Mall – she had always wanted children, and knew that everyone at home would have been happy for her. But there, in that awful camp, pregnancy was a curse – cages full of strangers gawking at her protruding belly, and only a handful of sympathetic guards who gave her some extra rations, while the large number felt that virts deserved no more than their allotted food, expecting or not.

She was finally roused from her thoughts by the sight of Murron nearly drowning in her pudding, having fallen asleep at the table. Hurriedly, she cleaned her brood up and transported her to bed, only to toss and turn for hours in her own bed afterwards. She felt stuck between a rock and a hard place – Luke was bound to find out about Murron sooner or later, and wasn't it better if he heard it from her than someone else? But was there no way of just sending him back on his way without telling him a blessed thing, so that they could all go back to the simple, peaceful life they had lived for the last few years? They didn't need an extra hand on the farm, not really. And she definitely didn't need anyone else who claimed her love – Murron got all of that, and she had none to spare for bedraggled creatures of her past. Finally, she firmly put all those thoughts out of her mind, deciding that no matter what, she would find no answers that night. Perhaps the next morning would bring better counsel. For starters, she would make sure that Murron was safely out of the way by sending her off on a long ride with Lottie – it seemed best not to invite any direct questions by having her hop around the place.

* * *

><p>The next morning found a well-rested Luke tucking into a breakfast tray he had discovered next to his bed – Lottie had been true to her word and had provided him with some fresh bread, fruits, and a large cup of tea. As he chewed his sandwich, his mind was revolving around Ellie – what would she be like today? True, she had shouted at him to leave yesterday, but then she had asked Lottie to set him up for a night. He wasn't sure whether that meant that she was not as angry as she had seemed, or whether his tired-out state and the lateness of the day were the only things that had moved her to allow him shelter. He had half a mind to pack his few things and slip out quietly without being a further burden when a knock at the door interrupted his thoughts.<p>

"Come in!"

The girl that had welcomed him yesterday peeped around the corner. "Good morning! I realized I never introduced myself yesterday. I'm Gel."

"Hi, Gel. Sorry if I frightened you last night with my mysterious act. I'm Luke."

"I know. So you're an old friend of Ellie's, huh?"

"Yeah, you could call it that. I thought she might not want to see me, so that's why I wouldn't tell you my name before."

"Oooh, that is mysterious indeed. Why would she not want to see you?"

"That's a long story. I'm not sure it's appropriate for me to tell, especially seeing how I was right and Ellie isn't too keen on me being here. I was actually just about to pack up and leave."

"No, you can't!" she exclaimed. Seeing his surprised look, she added, more gently: "Don't worry, we're not planning on keeping you against your will. It's just that there's a rule in this house that visitors have to share at least one meal with all of us, to tell us all the news. We don't get too many travelers around here, so you wouldn't deprive us of our treat, would you?" She looked at him with such pleading eyes that he relented immediately.

"Well, if it's all right with Ellie..."

"Oh, Ellie won't mind, I know. From what she said last night she was a bit surprised at seeing you here, but now that she's slept on it she told me that you could stay for a while, if you wanted to. Sammy's already really excited, he's hoping that someone will help around the farm a little, Patch is so useless with farmwork, and Darryl is busy mending the fences." All that came out in one long breath, and at the end, she nearly gasped for air. "Sorry. I get excited about strangers, too. It's a leftover from when I was younger and obsessed with gossip." She winked at him.

"So tell me, Gel, who lives here? I've seen a few faces, but I'm a little confused. What kind of a place is this, actually?"

"Well, Dee and Patch found it – they used to be Mall Rats, but they left the city just before Ram fell to find a place out in the country, and they sort of wandered around for a while before they stumbled across this place. So there's Dee and Patch, and their little daughter Maya and their son Niko, and Sammy and me and Murron, and Darryl, and of course Ellie and Lottie."

"And how did all of you wind up here?"

He seemed to have asked the right question – it was obvious that Gel liked to tell stories. She took a deep breath. "Well, we all used to be Mall Rats – Lottie and Darryl came from Liberty, maybe you know the place, and they were only Mall Rats for a little while before Mega's virus. When that virus hit, we all fled the city on a boat, and wound up on a little island full of Techno prisoners for a while, where we found a bunch of old Mall Rats. We kind of wandered around for a bit, but pretty soon we heard that this whole virus thing had been a false alarm, so we went back to the city. Well, long story short, the Mall started to get pretty crowded, so when we had word from Dee and Patch about this place we set off again and ended up here, and we've pretty much been here ever since."

"I see. So there are still Mall Rats at the Mall?"

She nodded vigorously. "Of course! Amber and Trudy and their little ones would never leave the place, and so Ram and Jay stayed too, of course, and Ebony and Slade and Jack and Ruby are still there, too. Then of course, there's the farm, a bunch of old Mall Rats mostly live there now, Alice, Patsy, Cloe, Tai San, and Ryan, Lex and KC."

"There's a lot of names I recognize there. It's good to know that they're all safe. Amber was always good to me – she has a child, doesn't she?"

"Yes, little Bray is going on nine now, and Jay and her had a little daughter, too, Solaris."

"What about Bray, senior? Isn't he there any more?"

"No. It seems the Technos deleted him, like they deleted Jay's brother Ved. But Amber and Jay are very happy together."

"What about Trudy? Is she all right, too?" He thought back to the Supreme Mother – he wondered what she was like now.

"Oh yes, Brady is almost twelve now, and Trudy paired off with Ram, of all people. We were all a bit weirded out at first, but they're so cute together, we got over it pretty soon."

He considered asking about Jack, and what had become of Ellie and him – but he thought better of it, and veered for the safer route. "How come Alice isn't here with you guys? Back when I knew her, she and Ellie were pretty inseparable."

"Oh, you know, Alice has her farm close to the city, and Ellie and the rest of us wanted something completely new, so she stayed there, and we came here. She still visits though." Suddenly, she seemed to realize something, and eyed him sharply. "Look at me, jabbering away about old Mall Rats and what became of them, when really, I came here to see what you had to tell me! So out with it. You seem to have been pretty close to the Mall Rats once, though it must have been before my time, you know all the names so well. How do you know them?"

He had hoped it would not come to this. "Well... oh, all right. Do you remember the Chosen?"

"Those weirdos with the dresses and the Zoot thing?"

"Yeah, those. I came to the city with them. I... used to be pretty into that stuff. We took over the Mall, and tried to subdue the Mall Rats. Didn't work though, Ellie and Alice saw to that, thank heaven. I don't know what would have happened if they hadn't overthrown the Guardian, he was pretty off his rocker. Anyways, I'd been tossed out a little while before, and after they tried me for my crimes..."

Gel nearly bounced in her seat. "Ooooh, a tried criminal! How exciting! But they found you innocent, didn't they?"

He sighed. "No, they didn't. I did some pretty nasty stuff back then, in the name of Zoot, but Amber saw how sorry I was for it and decided that the best punishment for me would be to live with my guilt. So she set me free, and I hung out at the Mall for a while before leaving. Ellie still hasn't forgiven me for that."

"What, for hanging out or for leaving?"

"For leaving. We used to be very close – but I couldn't deal with what I'd done any more so I decided to run, and left her behind without really saying good-bye. I wrote her a note, though..." he looked sheepish.

"A note? Seriously? No wonder she hasn't forgiven you. That was a bitch move, mister!"

"Yeah, I know. We were very young back then, if that counts for anything."

"Maybe a little. But only because I remember what a total fool I was back then, so I'm more ready to forgive other people's stupidity."

"Much obliged, Gel. But I think I've gabbed enough. Do you know where I can find Ellie? I'd like to try and fix things with her as much as I can before I do that dinner-and-news-thing you've pressured me into." He smiled at her to show that he didn't really mind being pressured.

"Ah, you'll have to wait for a while with that. Ellie left for the south pastures early this morning, to have a look at the sheep, and I don't think she'll be back before the early afternoon."

"In that case, I guess I'll have to take you up at your offer and help... what was his name? Sammy? Around the farm for a while."

"Good boy. He'll be thrilled to have someone who'll dig up potatoes with him."


	3. Talks in the morning

Out on the pasture, Ellie and Dee were deep in the business of counting their little flock of sheep, and for a little while, Ellie half-hoped that Dee wouldn't broach the subject of their unexpected visitor. Her hope was short-lived though.

"Now look here, Ellie. You've been acting shifty ever since that guy showed up last night, and I can tell something is eating you up inside. So out with it! What is it about this Luke that makes you so nervous?"

Ellie sighed. "Oh Dee, can't you guess?"

"Since I've never heard of him before last night, and haven't even seen his face yet, I can't. Won't you give me a hint?"

"Does 'he's Murron's dad' seem like enough of a hint?"

Dee was so surprised that she almost fell over the ewe she had just been examining. "Holy sheep, woman, you couldn't have given me a bit of warning before you throw a whopper like that at me?!"

Ellie helped her back up, and started busying herself with a young ram before she answered. "Sorry to dump it on you like that, but it's the truth. He doesn't know, of course. He left before I even knew I was pregnant."

"Jesus Christ. That must have been right before we met, mustn't it? Just before the Technos turned up. I remember you were awfully messed up over a guy back then, but we all had our own problems at the time so I never really thought about it any more, the Technos carted you off so soon."

"Yeah. So you can see why I'm not so keen on having him here. I don't know how on earth I should tell him. To be honest, I don't even want to tell him at all. I wish he'd just leave so that we can go back to our normal life."

Dee was silent for a little, while she looked over another ewe's lambs. "I think I kind of get that. What on earth possessed him to come look for you in the first place?"

"Beats me. I didn't think I'd ever see him again, much less after such a long time."

"Well, he's here now, so you'd better think quick. With that little girl prancing around, looking the spitting image of you, he's bound to realize something's up sooner rather than later."

Ellie looked up from the ram miserably. "I know! But how in Zoot's name am I supposed to tell him? I can't very well go 'oh hey, by the way, this is my daughter, and in case you were wondering, she's yours, too', can I?"

"Can't you leave the 'she's yours' part out? If he has no idea..."

The younger woman looked up, horror-struck. "Mercy, no, he'd think she was Jack's, and that would be even worse! Those two never saw eye to eye!"

"They know each other? I'm seriously confused now. I kind of always assumed she was Jack's anyways, but you never seemed to want to talk about it, so I never asked!"

"Well... Jack and I were dating when the Chosen arrived, but he got taken away pretty soon, and then this thing with Luke... just happened. He used to be the Guardian's lieutenant, and when Alice noticed that he fancied me, she encouraged me to use him for our own goals. But then I actually started liking him, and we had a thing together..."

"A thing that can walk and talk on its own, I might add!"

"No, that happened later. It was a huge mess, we started seeing each other secretly, then the Guardian tossed Luke out of the Chosen, and then Bray and Amber tossed the Chosen out, and Jack came back, and I tried to pretend like nothing was happening, but of course it was... And then Jack found out and left, and I was so upset about having hurt him that I became a little reckless with Luke. It didn't really seem to matter, everything was going wrong anyways, and I was young and dumb enough not to think about trivial things like protection. Sometime later it all became too much for Luke, all those people out for his blood because of what he had done with the Chosen, and he left, too, and then this whole Techno business started, and before I knew it, the hormones I didn't know about were bubbling up in my body and drove me so nuts that I started that stupid plot to kill Ebony, and had myself shipped off to Techno island. I only understood there what was happening – I must have been three, four months pregnant by then, and of course I knew it was Luke's, but a fat lot of good that did me in that prison camp."

Dee had listened open-mouthed, the sheep around her forgotten. "So Murron was born in there? In Techno prison?"

"Yeah, Alice was there, thankfully, she'd been shipped there with the first load of people the Technos had abducted. Cloe arrived, too, shortly before I was due, so the two of them got me through the birth as well as they could."

"Holy sheep. What a mess. And now daddy's home and doesn't know a blessed thing. I have no idea how you're going to get out of this without somebody getting hurt – you, Luke, Murron, or all three of you."

"I know. Come on, let's head back. The sheep are all accounted for anyways, I'd better face up to the music."

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Lottie and the children were having a grand time on their day out. Ellie had woken them all up bright and early, packed them a picnic lunch and sent them off for the day. All four were on horseback – Murron and Niko on the ponies, and Lottie on the farm's only horse with little Maya sitting in front of her. It was a rare treat, to be allowed off all chores and to just ride off over the pastures, and while the children were overjoyed, Lottie was silent, quietly wondering about Ellie's motives. She was no slave-driver by any means, but the farm was large and there always were lots of odd jobs to do, so Lottie couldn't help but wonder at Ellie's sudden willingness to allow them all a holiday. She had just come to the conclusion that it must have something to do with their unexpected visitor when she was roused from her reverie by Murron, who was excitedly pointing towards a thicket full of blackberries.<p>

"Lottie, can't we pick some? We can bring them back home and Dee can make some pie!"

"Sure. Let me just help Maya off the horse, and we can have at it. What can we put them into, though?"

Niko piped up "Ellie packed us some milk, if we drink it quick, we can put the berries in the jug."

Lottie smiled at the bright boy. "So you kids want to have your picnic now, huh? How about you, Maya?"

Maya nodded vigorously, looking back and forth between the bushes bursting with berries and the very tempting bag Lottie was just unpacking, revealing a jug of milk, sandwiches, fruit and some of Dee's special cookies. For a little while, there was no sound except the birdsong and the children's munching.

"Lottie?"

"Yes Murron?"

"Who's that Luke? He's nice."

"Yeah, I liked him too. I don't know, I think he's just a stranger passing through."

"If he is, why did mama give us a day off and send us away today?"

"What do you mean, Murron?"

"Mama hardly ever gives us holidays. And she's never sent us off on a ride when a traveller comes because she knows I like to read to them."

"I don't know. I don't think it has anything to do with you or Luke. I think she just figured you fancied a day off."

Privately, Lottie was rather sure that it DID have something to do with Luke, but she was at a loss to what it could be. She had never seen his face before last night, and even though she had had a little more time to study his features that morning, when she had left the breakfast tray on his bedside table while he had still been fast asleep, she had learned nothing from it. He had looked much more at peace than the night before, when he had looked careworn and rather sad, but his face told her nothing more. She had liked his aquiline nose and soft mouth, and had been pleased to see that even though his face was lined with sorrow, a dimple had shown in the corner of his cheek when he had half-smiled in his sleep. He must have been rather handsome when he was younger.

She had no more time to think about the visitor though. When the children were done eating, they all started picking blackberries for Dee's pie, and after they had filled the milk-jug and the breadbox with berries, they rode on through the farmlands, chattering animatedly about pies and what stories Luke would be telling them that night about the rest of the world.

* * *

><p>Sammy had grown up to be a short, but stocky young man in the years since he had left the Mall. Farmwork had become something of a passion for him, because he enjoyed watching things grow and reaping the benefits of his work. He had given up his signature red and blue hair in favor of a simple ponytail in his natural brown, and the sun had burned his skin almost as dark as his hair, while the hard work had given him a build like a small bull. He and Gel made a funny contrast – his weather-beaten skin against her almost lilly-like pallor, the one vanity she still allowed herself. It was easy to keep up since her chores were nearly all indoors: she did the housekeeping, although the kitchen was mostly the kingdom of Dee and Patch. Ellie took care of the animals with occasional help from Dee, Darryl and Sammy shared the farmwork, Lottie amused the children, and Patch acted as jack of all trades, except for farm duties, at which he was a notorious klutz. They had no real leader among themselves, although Ellie mostly took care of the upkeep of the farm, being the only born and bred farm girl, and Dee and Patch enjoyed a bit of seniority, being the oldest ones and having found the house. Mostly, though, they lived in relative harmony without needing an official head of the house.<p>

All this Luke found out while harvesting potatoes with Sammy, to whom Gel had delivered him shortly after breakfast. When Sammy had finished explaining the workings of their living arrangements, there was a brief silence before he decided that it was his turn to ask some questions of this very interesting stranger.

"So... Gel told me you and Ellie used to be close years ago. What made you look for her after all these years? I mean... that was an awful long time ago."

"I heard about that virus, and that the city had been evacuated for a while – and that many hadn't come back from that evacuation. I just... needed to know if she was all right."

"But that was nearly six years ago!"

"Would you believe me if I told you that it took me over five years to get here?"

"No way man! We're only three days from the city! One and a half, if you go on horseback!"

"Yeah well... I didn't know you guys were here."

"Why didn't you ask at the Mall?"

"I haven't been at the Mall ever since the day I left it eight years ago. I... didn't dare."

"Big feller like you, afraid of going to the Mall? But if you weren't there, how did you know that Ellie wasn't there either?"

"Well, a guy I knew had been at the Mall a little while after you all had come back from that trip away from the virus, and he told me that there had been no Ellie there. So I started asking around at every place I came to – but you know how hard it is to find someone these days, with no internet and that kind of thing."

"But why not start at the Mall?"

"I figured they might still not feel very friendly towards me. Maybe Gel told you that I used to run with a pretty bad crowd – we even enslaved the Mall Rats for a while. We called ourselves the Chosen."

"Jesus, that was ages ago! Besides, the Technos were just as bad as your lot, or even worse, and look at Jay and Ram now, all cozy and happy with Amber and Trudy."

"Well, I didn't know that, did I?"

"Oh, come on. We were all kids back then – heck, I'm not sure if I'm not still one – we all did dumb stuff. People get over it."

"I didn't. I still see the faces of the people I hurt in my dreams. And I still feel guilty about leaving Ellie all that time ago. So I've been looking for her for the past five years or so, so that I could at least apologize for that, if I can't apologize to all the people the Chosen hurt."

"Sounds like an awful lot of trouble for an old girlfriend. No offense to Ellie, but I don't get why you went through all that trouble just to apologize to her."

"Didn't you have a first love that you still feel sentimental about?"

"Well, Gel IS my first love. So I don't have anything to feel sentimental about – especially since occasionally we hate each other."

"So did Ellie and I. Maybe it's an age thing – one day you wake up and realize that you're going on thirty, which in this world means that you're an old man, and that there are things that you need to fix before it's too late."

"Yeah, I wouldn't know. Thirty is a long way off for me – and who knows if I'll ever get there, you never know."

"Exactly. In this world, we're all lucky if we make it to thirty. So I wanted to see if I could at least talk to Ellie once more."


	4. At the fence

On their way home, Ellie and Dee had joined Darryl, who was renewing the fence that kept the sheep out of the orchard. Dee soon excused herself and returned to the house, sensing that Ellie needed to talk to Darryl privately. They had become very close over the years, ever since they had come to the Techno island. He had been there for her when her relationship with Jack had crumbled, had left the Mall with her, and had helped bring up Murron, whom he loved like his own child. Sometimes it seemed hard to define what they were to each other – friends or more than that. A few years ago, just after they had come back to the Mall, Ellie had sought solace in his arms when everything became too much, but it had been an empty sort of feeling, and she had soon put a bit of distance between them again, going back to an easy sort of friendship that thankfully enough wasn't marred by the fact that they had seen each other naked once or twice. Occasionally, Ellie saw him looking at her with longing in his eyes, but he never spoke about his feelings, and she was glad about it.

After Dee had left, he leaned his back against the fence, absent-mindedly chewing on a blade of grass, while Ellie sat on the top bar and stared out over the trees towards the house.

Somewhere in or around that house, Luke would probably be waiting to talk to her – she knew he wouldn't have left, not after going through the trouble of coming all the way to see her. She couldn't avoid him forever, but she still had no idea how to break to him that the child he had met last night was his own daughter – and for the most part, she still didn't want to. She didn't want to share her flesh and blood with Luke, no matter that it was his flesh and blood too. It wasn't so much that she was still angry at him – although she had at first shouted at him to leave, deep in her heart she knew that he had left her because he thought it had been the right thing to do. She knew that he had been trying to spare her the pain and humiliation of being an outcast's girlfriend, and that he couldn't have known what had been lying in store for her. Rationally, she knew that, in a twisted way, he had left her because he had loved her – loved her too much to want to inflict his life on her. Her heart told a different story though – even though the years had dulled the pain of having been left by him, she still resented him for leaving without having given her a choice in the matter. She couldn't hate him for having left her pregnant, because Murron was the joy of her life, but at the same time she sort of did, because she had had to bear all the hardships of pregnancy without him. She didn't want to share her daughter's love with anyone else – it was hard enough sometimes to know that Murron loved Darryl almost as much as she loved her mother. The thought that she might have to share Murron with Luke too was almost unbearable.

The silence stretched out between them as Ellie contemplated all this, and Darryl let her be. He knew her well enough that she would talk when she was done thinking. And so she did.

"Darryl?"

"Mmmh?"

"Do you remember when we came to the Techno island?"

"Yeah. Pretty messed up."

"Do you remember how we found Cloe?"

"Hell yeah. Like yesterday."

They both fell silent again for a while, remembering the bizarre situation that had presented itself to them on that island.

_It had been filled with cages – and the cages had been filled with prisoners. The Techno guards had left them caged when they had deserted the island, and the Mall Rats had spent a whole day opening doors and releasing half-starved prisoners. It was lucky that the Technos had left some food stores, but it was clear that they couldn't survive on them for long. _

_Cloe had been in one of the last cages they had got to, sitting in a corner and holding what looked like a bundle of rags. It had been Salene who found her, and who had led the dazed girl back to her fellow Mall Rats in triumph, rags and all. Only when the bundle of rags had started to cry the friends had realized that there was a baby inside._

"_Cloe! You had a baby?" was the shout that echoed around. _

_She had stared around with wide eyes which finally settled on Ellie. "Of course not. Don't you recognize your own daughter, Ellie?"_

_All eyes turned towards the surprised blonde – shock, disbelief, and in Jack's case, outrage, were on all their faces. _

_It was Jack, too, who first regained his powers of speech. "You had a baby with that bastard, and you never told me?" He turned on his heel and walked away. _

_That roused Ellie out of her state of petrification. "You've got to be kidding, right Cloe? Got a bit too much sun in those cages, didn't you?"_

_Cloe had bristled in the old way. "I've got to be kidding? YOU've got to be kidding when you're telling me that you don't remember your own child, after all the trouble you went through to have her!"_

"_Cloe, what the hell are you talking about? I've never had a child!"_

"_Oh really? So I must have imagined me and Alice helping you give birth to her in that cage! And I must have imagined the Techno guards who took you away from her and left her here with me, and both of you kicking and screaming all the way?"_

"_I've never even been on this island!" The two were shouting by now. The other Mall Rats and a good number of ex-prisoners had gathered around them, watching the fights with their heads turning from one to the other as if it were a tennis match. _

_Amber had finally recovered enough from the shock of Cloe's sudden announcement to try and separate the two. "WILL YOU TWO CALM DOWN? Let's figure this out like normal people."_

"_I'll tell you what happened!" came a voice from the back – followed by a wave of people who were plowed out of the way by none other than..._

"_Alice!" Ellie had breathed – and collapsed. _

_She had awoken a while later with her head on Alice's lap, Cloe with the baby next to her, and the rest of her tribe around her. _

"_You all right there, kiddo?" her sister had asked._

"_What happened?"_

"_I think we'd all like to know THAT." Amber had said. _

"_Isn't it obvious that all this was a little much for Ellie?" Ruby had called out. "First this weird story about this kid you say is hers"_

"_It is!" Cloe butted in. _

_Ruby ignored her. "And then her sister turns up that she hasn't seen in a year?" _

"_That'd knock anyone out if you ask me" was Trudy's simple reply. _

"_So Alice – care to enlighten us?" Amber probed again. _

_Alice began to explain: "When Ellie was brought here – after the Technos sent her away from the city for trying to kill Ebony - "_

"_Ha! Ebony had snorted. "Damn near managed too, didn't she?" _

_They all had chorused "Shut up, Ebony!" and Alice had resumed her story. _

"_When she got here, she was already pregnant, but she didn't know yet. She got stuck in the same cage as me, and we figured it out together, when this little one started showing pretty obviously. Cloe turned up a while later, and we were both there for the birth. It went off well, without any complications."_

"_Alice, are you seriously trying to tell me that I had a baby? How the hell am I supposed to have forgotten that?"_

"_I'll tell you how, those damn Technos, that's what happened! When this one was a couple of weeks old, the guards came and dragged you and me out of the cage we were in, but they wouldn't let you keep the baby – they just left her with Cloe. You kicked and screamed until they stunned you with one of those laser guns they used to have, and the next thing I saw of you was you being loaded into a ship, looking like a vegetable. I don't know if they did some sort of brainwashing on you or if that was some sort of natural defense mechanism that kicked in when they tore that baby out of your hands, but at any rate, you didn't look like you remembered there ever was such a thing as babies."_

"_I don't even remember being here!" Ellie called out. "I remember being loaded into a Techno car to be taken out of the city, and the next thing I know is being back in the city, dazed and disoriented and not recognizing a thing!"_

"_Well, there you go. Mystery solved. Now, can we get some grub?" Lex had called. Amber had rolled her eyes, but in the end, hunger had won out over curiosity. Most had wandered off to raid the food stores, but Alice, Ellie and Cloe remained where they were, sitting in the sand. _

"_I really don't remember a thing! How can I have forgotten that?" Ellie mumbled. _

"_We did a lot of experimenting on this island. Technos can do nearly anything with the brain." Ram had rejoined the group without anyone noticing. "But I think it's just as possible that your mind just shut out all memories of this when they took you away from her – the brain is funny like that, it tries to protect you from trauma." He sat down next to them. _

_Cloe was cooing to the baby and rocking her in her arms. After a while, she looked back up to Ellie. "I'm sorry I shouted at you. I had no idea."_

"_It's all right." Ellie smiled faintly. "Neither had I."_

"_Don't you want to hold her?"_

"_Can I?"_

_Cloe laughed. "Of course! She's all yours!"_

_Slowly, Ellie reached out to the little creature that was lying peacefully in the other girl's arms. The child was asleep, and didn't notice the transfer at all. For a while they all were silent, watching the little chest rise and sink and the little hand curling around Ellie's finger. _

"_What's her name, anyways?" Ram asked. _

"_Murron." Ellie replied. _

"And then you remembered." Darryl mused.

"Yeah. Then I remembered. Everything." Ellie sighed. The memories had come flooding back to her – the island, the pregnancy, the moment Murron had been torn from her arms. The knowledge of the missing time had nearly taken her breath away. Images flashed through her mind's eye while her real eyes stung with tears at the thought that she had missed more than half a year of her child's life without even knowing.

"Jack was pretty mad, wasn't he?" Darryl interrupted her thoughts.

"Yeah. Amber explained to him what happened, but of course he was pretty pissed off. Can't blame him, can I? He knew that Murron wasn't his daughter, we had never done it before I was taken away."

"I figured." He let himself glide down the fence until he was sitting in the grass. Ellie climbed off the top bar and sat down next to him. "What makes you think about that now? You never talk about the past."

"Luke."

"Isn't that the guy who got you pregnant? What about him?"

"He's the stranger who arrived yesterday."

Darryl's head shot up. "WHAT?" His face turned an ugly shade of red. "Are you telling me that the piece of scum that knocked you up and left you on your own is IN OUR HOUSE? You let him STAY?" He was shouting now.

"What was I supposed to do? Throw him out, into the night?"

"Hell yeah! What else does he deserve after what he did to you?"

"Darryl, he doesn't know. He had no idea I was pregnant when he left, you know yourself that I didn't even know at that time."

"Who cares? He left you! He left you eight years ago and now he comes crawling back and you just let him in?"

"Every traveller that comes through here gets a bed, it's our rule, Darryl! He came from god knows where to find me, and the least I could do is offer him shelter."

"Yeah, I bet. Did you warm his bed for him, too? Why don't you just hand him Murron and be done with it?"

Ellie saw red. Before she knew it, Darryl was looking at her in shock, a bright red handprint on his cheek where she had slapped him. "Don't you dare talk to me that way. I haven't shared a bed with Luke in eight years, and even if I had, it wouldn't be any of your business. Murron is my daughter, and I'm not handing her over to anyone."

Darryl opened and closed his mouth a few times, but no sound came out. Finally, he mumbled: "She's my daughter, too, you know. Or as good as."

She softened immediately. "I know. And you have no idea how grateful I am that you took care of her with me all these years."

"But now you're going to go off with Luke and leave me behind."

"Darryl, I'm not going anywhere. I don't even know if I should really tell him that she's his daughter. And as for leaving... why should I?"

"Because you love him."

"Don't be silly! Darryl, I was fifteen back then, how much did _you_ know of love at fifteen? That was a thousand years ago! Do you honestly think I'm going to ride off into the sunset with Luke just because he so happens to have fathered my child?"

"Then why let him stay?"

"I told you, I didn't want to toss him out into the night. Don't think I didn't think about it, but I couldn't."

"Why not?"

"For heaven's sake, Darryl, he's Murron's father! I don't love him, but I owe him the most important person in my life!"

"But you said you didn't want to tell him about her."

"I'd rather not. I don't want to share her with anyone else, especially not with someone who has such a huge claim on her."

"What claim? He only contributed a single sperm cell. You've given nearly eight years of your life to Murron! Even I've been more of a father to her than he ever has."

"I know. But he can't help it, can he? He didn't know, it's not as if he left her behind knowingly. And I don't feel like I have the right to keep her from him. She's his child, for heaven's sake!"

"That doesn't give him any rights to her!"

"It's not like I'm planning on letting him have her! Nobody is ever going to take her away from me again. But he deserves to at least know."

"Bullshit. Ignorance is bliss."

"Don't be an idiot. If I don't tell him, he'll figure it out as soon as he sees her in daylight, you know yourself that she looks exactly like me. He's no fool. And if he finds out on his own instead of from me, this whole mess is probably going to blow up in my face."

She made to get up, but Darryl grabbed her hand, stopping her. "Don't tell him. Send him off, and we can go back to our old life."

Ellie shook her head. "I can't. Believe me, I don't want anything to change, but I can't keep that from him."

He pulled her close. "Don't leave me."

She looked at him in surprise. "What do you mean?"

"Because I need you." He took her hand.

She smiled faintly. "Darryl, you're my best friend. But you know I don't..."

"I know you don't love me. But I can't bear the thought of you being with someone else."

"Don't you think that's up to me?" The look of despair in his eyes made her continue hastily. "I don't have any plans on getting back with Luke. I'm a different person now, and I bet he is, too. Whatever was between us is in the past now. But I can't promise you anything, Darryl. I'm twenty-three now, who knows what will happen in the rest of my life?"

He sighed deeply. "I guess that will have to do for me." He gave her a little push. "Go on, go see him. Get it over with."


	5. Telling the truth

She found him in the kitchen, peeling potatoes with Patch and chatting about first aid. It seemed like Patch was milking Luke for any kind of knowledge he could use for further reference, but Luke didn't seem to mind. His face looked much younger as he excitedly discussed splinting versus bandaging for foot injuries. An involuntary smile tugged at her lips when she remembered how excited he could get about things that were important to him – health care, economy, Zoot-worshiping dictators... she pushed away that last thought, it wasn't fair to blame him for that. They'd all been a lot younger back then.

When he looked up and spotted her in the doorway, he seemed to sober up immediately and went back to the half guarded, half deferential face he had worn when they had first met again. She realized that he probably thought she was going to shout at him some more, like she had done the night before. She almost felt sorry for him – she might be dreading the moment when she had to tell him the truth, but he was just as scared of the looming conversation.

She jerked her head towards the door, and he nodded in response and got up. "Sorry, Patch, gotta go. I still say that bandaging is enough in most cases."

"Sure, man. I'll catch you later." Patch didn't even look up from his potato – no matter how many he peeled, he still had a wicked talent to cut himself if he didn't pay attention, and he knew better than to risk getting on Dee's bad side by getting blood on the food.

Luke followed Ellie towards the porch on the backside of the house, where she sat down in and old wicker chair and indicated another for him to sit in.

For a while, neither said a word. Finally, Ellie sighed as she looked towards the barn, where she could see Sammy milking the cows. "I'm sorry I shouted at you last night. I was... really surprised to see you."

He laughed softly. "That's all right. I shouldn't have expected anything else after turning up so suddenly."

"Why did you come, Luke? It's been years." She turned to him and saw him smiling.

"Will you believe me if I said I just wanted to see how you were doing?"

She fixed her eyes on the barn again. "No. You must have spent an awful lot of time looking for me – knowing you, you didn't go to the Mall to ask where I was. People don't spend years looking for someone just to see how they're doing."

From the corner of her eye, she could see him shrug. "I needed to see that you were all right. And..."

She waited, but nothing came. "And what?"

He turned towards her, and she mirrored the movement without thinking about it. "I don't know. I guess I just... needed to know if you hate me."

She was so surprised that she laughed out loud. "Seriously? You came all the way, spent all that time looking for me, just to see if I hated you?"

He looked sheepish. "I guess so. Maybe because you were the first girl I ever really loved. It's... a closure thing. When you mess up so bad on someone you loved so much, you wanna know if they're ok."

The laughter died on her lips. Suddenly, she looked very sober. "Yeah. I get that. You just... need to hear if they hate you. Because even though it was you who walked away, you still care. And you want them to care a little, too."

He stared at her. "How did you know?"

"You're not the only one who has unfinished business with the past, you know."

"Oh." The silence stretched out between them. "So... do you?"

"What?"

"Hate me?"

"No, Luke. I get why you left. I really wish you hadn't, because it broke my heart and nearly drove me insane, but I get why you did it. I get what you were trying to save me from. And I know that, in your way, you did it the nicest way you knew how, even though it nearly tore me apart. So no, I don't hate you. I don't think I ever could."

"But...?"

"Luke, all that was years ago. I get that you wanted closure about this, but I hope you weren't hoping for anything more. I'm a different person now. Things... have happened. I don't hate you, but I don't love you any more either."

"Fair enough."

Silence stretched out between them. _This is it, _she told herself, _this is the moment. You gotta tell him girl._

She took a deep breath. And another one. She tried to speak, but no words would come out. A stifled little laugh from his direction made her head whip around.

"What?"

He sniggered again. "Ellie, if I didn't know better, I'd say you were gearing up to break up with me. That boat already sailed, so why don't you spit it out, whatever it is you're trying to say?"

Her answering laugh sounded hysterical in her ears. "It's just..."

She could feel his eyes on her and turned to meet them. For a minute, she was back at the Mall, in that silly prayer room the Chosen had built, having just told Luke that she cared for him, in that fraction of a moment when all there seemed to be in the world was his eyes, until a second later their lips crashed into each other and all there was or had ever been important had been to kiss him like there was no tomorrow.

A door banged somewhere in the house, and the moment was broken. She was back on the porch, preparing to tell her ex that he had a kid.

There must have been despair in her eyes, because the laughing twinkle vanished out of his eyes. "Ellie, whatever it is that you're trying to say, just say it. It's all right. I didn't expect any love from you, or anything, really. I just wanted to see if you were all right, I didn't come here to woo you back or anything. Whatever it is you're worrying about, you don't have to. It's just me."

"This one I have to worry about."

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. What I don't know won't hurt me."

"Dammit Luke!" she snapped at him. "D'you think I'd be so worried about it if it wasn't important? If I didn't think that not telling you would be worse than telling you? Stop being so damn understanding and just wait for me to get the damn words out."

He held up his hands in surrender. "All right, all right. I was just trying to make this easier for you, you know."

She couldn't help but soften at him. "I know. I'm sorry. I just have no clue how to..."

"Mommy, mommy, look at all the berries we found!" Murron bounded onto the porch brandishing a jug full of fruits and all but spilled them into Ellie's lap.

"Oh honey, that's great! Dee will be so happy, now she can make loads and loads of pie!" She shot Luke an apologetic look over her daughter's shoulder. "How about you go in and bring them to the kitchen? Maybe you can get Dee to make pie for dessert!"

Murron tumbled out of Ellie's embrace and ran back into the house, perfectly oblivious to the scene that was unfolding behind her.

This time, the silence felt to Ellie like it might suffocate her. She stared at her hands for what felt like a very long time before daring to look up to him.

"Please say something."

"Umm... I'm guessing this is what you were trying to tell me?" His face looked like his brain was about to explode. She assumed that short answers were probably best.

"Yep."

"This little girl is your daughter?"

"Yep."

"Is she Jack's?"

"Nope"

Silence.

"She's seven?"

"Yep."

"Seven and how much?"

"About a month, give or take"

More silence. She could see the wheels in his brain turning, doing the math, doing it again.

"Is she..."

"Yours?"

"Yeah."

"Yes."

"Oh."

She shifted around in her chair, fidgeting with the hem of her sleeve. "So... you see why I was having trouble getting that out."

"Yeah."

"And why I had to tell you."

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier." She finally couldn't justify picking at her sleeve any more, and risked a glance at his still-stunned face. It was caught somewhere between soaring happiness and deepest despair.

"Oh Ellie, don't be sorry. I'm the one who's sorry. I'm so sorry I left you to deal with all that by yourself, I'm so sorry I never..." She shushed him with a finger on his lips.

"Don't be. You didn't know. I don't... blame you. I know you would never have left if you'd known, and I'm really sorry you had to find out like this. But please don't think I blame you for giving me Murron. Never think that."

"No, it's just... wow. I... have no idea what to say or do or... anything. I mean, suddenly, I have a child, and I had no idea, all this time..."

She laughed out loud. "Believe it or not, I know exactly how you feel. So I'll tell you what – why don't you go for a walk and think it all over, and we can talk about it some more later, if you want to."

There it was again, that smile that she remembered so well – it seemed to lift ten years off his face in a heartbeat, and for a moment, she glimpsed the man she had loved all that time ago. "I'd like that."


	6. Thinking things through

The tall blades of grass were laying long shadows over him in the late afternoon sun, as he lay in the pasture behind the house. Clouds drifted lazily overhead while he stared at the blueness of the sky and tried to figure out how he felt about the fact that as of an hour ago, he had a seven year old daughter with Ellie.

The enormity of it threatened to physically push him into the ground as he attempted to untangle the knot of guilt, pride, love, grief and amazement he felt.

He had left Ellie pregnant. She had gone through Zoot knew what alone. Everything he had tried to prevent by leaving – shame, humiliation, contempt – had probably happened to her, and she had had to face it without him. That little girl had been without a father for all those years, and he had never known. Hadn't he thought about it last night, all those fathers who left their children alone in this world? He had been one of them, and he hadn't even known.

He had fathered a child – a bright, lovely, perfect child – and he went back over every second of their encounter last night and sought out every detail he could remember about the creature that he had helped bring into existence. His own obliviousness last night – when he had thought that her eyes reminded him of someone, and had not recognized them as his own – almost made him smile, before he remembered that he knew next to nothing about that child.

There was a surge of love for Ellie that he could not suppress. Dear, sweet, lovely Ellie, whom he'd loved but given up on long ago – she'd had a piece of him all this time. A flood of images of their time together rushed through him, and in a split second he understood that really, he _had_ wanted her back, even though he had spent years telling himself that he didn't. He had been lying to himself, and he hadn't even known.

All those missed years – his chest ached as he thought of them, he had missed all of Murron's life, and Ellie's, too. He grieved for every moment of his daughter's life he had been oblivious of, and he grieved for her mother, and all that he must have cost her.

His unseeing eyes stared into the blue while he tried to wrap his mind around the enormity of what had happened. The thought of having children had never crossed his mind, and suddenly, he had one. He was close to Ellie again, but she had made it clear that she was over him, that although she didn't hate him for any of it, she didn't want him back, either. Would she even allow him in Murron's life? No, he refused to think that Ellie would keep her from it now that he knew, she would not have told him if she wasn't going to let him be part of his daughter's life. But then again, they'd done fine so far without him, she had no reason to want him around, either.

He knew beyond a doubt that he would never leave his child again, but he had no clue exactly how he felt about her mother. Rationally, he knew that the woman on the porch today was lightyears from the girl at the Mall eight years ago – he might still have feelings for the girl, but he knew nothing of the woman, nothing of what had happened ever since he had left. He had no right to want anything from her.

But the irrational part of his brain knew all the answers.

It wanted it all.

* * *

><p>From her favorite thinking spot on an old couch in the attic, Ellie could see Luke through one of the dormer windows without his having any idea of being watched. She hadn't gone up there to watch him, but when she spied him lying in the grass, she couldn't help it. He was too far away for her to be able to make out his face and learn anything about his thoughts from his expression, but somehow his prone figure still irresistibly drew her eye.<p>

Now that she had gotten rid of the secret that had been oppressing her for the last 24 hours, she finally had time to really think about him. All her thoughts had been revolving around his relation to Murron, but now that he knew about it, Ellie realized that really, she didn't know how she herself felt about him. She knew that she didn't love him any more, that everything that happened between them lay so far in the past that it was almost as if it never had taken place. She knew she didn't hate him, either, had never hated him. She had no idea what he really meant to her now, apart from the fact that it was thanks to him that she had Murron. She knew that he would want to stay, at least for a while, to get to know his daughter, and she could not bear the idea of denying that to him, but at the same time, she desperately wished he was somewhere far away, never to be seen or thought of again, so that she wouldn't have to try to decide how the hell she felt about him.

And then of course there was Darryl. What the hell had that been, back there at the fence? He had basically told her that he loved her. Seven years of living together, and he'd never said a word, and now that Luke turned up, boom, he decided that now would be a good time to tell her. Of course, she'd half known it for years, but she had figured that he was just as content with their friendship as she was. That was a thing that she knew for sure – she wasn't in love with Darryl. She loved him in a sisterly way, but she had no romantic feelings for her. Didn't mean she wanted him to hurt, though, and hurt he would, if Luke stayed, even if there was no romance between them.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Dee asked from behind her, making Ellie jump. She sighed.

"I don't know. Everything is so... weird."

Dee laughed. "I bet. Did you get around to telling him?"

"I did, sort of. Well, Murron kind of accidentally ratted me out, but he took it as well as could be expected, I guess."

"And the reason you're up here and he's down there and Murron is blissfully ignorant in the kitchen is...?"

"That we both needed time to think, and it didn't seem like a good time to break it to her."

"Fair point."

For a while, they just sat next to each other, each sunk in their own thoughts.

"So why did he come back?"

"To see how I was doing... to get closure, I suppose."

"What's he need that for?"

"I guess... he needed it the same way that I need it with Jack. Do you realize that it's been six years since he has spoken to me?"

"Jeez, are we getting that old?" That earned Dee a playful punch in the arm. "I know, I know. Though I never understood what happened there in the first place."

"Well it's not that strange. Murron had been born on Techno island, and a little while afterwards, I'd been sent back to the city, reprogrammed... "

"Wait, what?"

"I didn't know I had a child any more." Dee's eyes were getting as large as teacups, so Ellie hastened on. "Jack and I picked up where we left off, but then when we were fleeing the new virus we ended up on that Techno island by chance, and there Cloe was, holding on to Murron, and announcing to everyone that this was my baby. Obviously, Jack totally freaked out, because he thought I'd kept that huge secret from him, but I couldn't help it, I didn't know. When we found out that the Technos had played me, he sort of tried to accept Murron as part of my life, but it didn't work for long. I'd had Luke's child and he held that against me, as well he might."

Dee was staring at her, flabbergasted. "I can't believe I never asked you about it before."

Ellie snorted. "Me neither."

Dee looked thoughtful. "I don't know, I guess when you first arrived, we were all too busy setting up shop here, and then later I always figured that Murron was Jack's and you'd had some big falling out and that's why he never came to see her."

"Do you really think Jack would have left his child with me like that and never have tried to see her? That's rather unfair."

"Guess I never really gave it any thought, there was always so many other things to think about."

"Yeah." She leaned her head against Dee. She was surprised by the older girl's next question.

"Do you still miss him?"

"Who, Luke?"

"No. Jack."

"In a way. Not in a 'I want to date you again' way, more in a 'I'm sorry I hurt you and I wish I could fix that' way."

"I think I get that."

Ellie sighed, then pulled herself together and put on a more businesslike tone. "Anyways, so there's that, that unresolved business with Jack. Then there's the fact that Luke is back and I don't know how to share my daughter with him. And on top of that, there's Darryl, who finally sort of told me he loved me, and whom I have zero intention of dating or hurting."

"Figures that he comes out with that now that daddy's in da house."

For a moment, Ellie stared at Dee, then she convulsed with laughter. "Dee, has anyone ever told you that you're completely hilarious when you do that ghetto British voice?"

The older girl smirked, then put on a deliberately posh accent. "Yes, that has been brought to my attention numerous times by my dear husband."

After a while, their laughter died down.

"Oh Dee, what am I going to do?"

"About which one of them?"

"All of them! Luke being back brings Jack back up, and obviously it brings Luke back up, and suddenly Darryl's throwing his hat in the ring too. I have no clue where to start."

"Why don't you start at the beginning?"

"With Jack?"

"Do you think that if you went and fixed things with him, you could have an easier time figuring out the whole Murron and Luke and Darryl deal?"

"I don't know. Maybe."

"Then why don't you?"

* * *

><p>"<em>... because I don't dare to."<em>

That was what she had said to Dee, and it was true. She didn't dare to go and see Jack, even though the uncertainty of how he felt about her nearly killed her. Half of her was sure that he couldn't hate her – that he didn't have it in himself to hate anyone, much less her. The other half remembered all the pain she had caused him. Neither half could get the upper hand, and it ended up like a mental ping-pong game.

_All that was years ago. I was so much younger back then. _

And yet here you are, still thinking about it. Like he probably is.

_He can't be. He's got Ruby. _

And you have Murron and Darryl and Luke to occupy your thoughts, and yet here you are, thinking about him.

_Well, I caused him pain._

You still regret hurting him.

_Of course I do. I behaved awfully back then. I hurt Jack, Jack of all people!_

But you didn't mean to.

_But I did. _

He probably doesn't even think about it any more, you were kids back then.

_I still think about it. _

He had been so sweet about it. Not at first, of course – on the island, he had been boiling with rage. But after Amber calmed him down a little and Ram explained to him what had happened, he had been sweetness itself.

_She was sitting in the sand with Murron on her lap, looking out on the waves as her child slept in her arms, one hand curled tightly around her finger. Ellie didn't even notice that someone was walking up to her, so focused was she on the movement of her baby's breathing, how it synchronized with the crashing waves, and so she was startled when someone dropped into the sand next to her. _

"_Amber told me what happened."_

_She didn't dare look up. "That was good of her." _

_There was a brief silence before they both started talking at the same time._

"_Jack, I'm so sorry, I would have told you if I'd known..."_

"_I'm so sorry I shouted at you, I didn't realize..."_

_They both laughed awkwardly. Jack motioned for her to speak first. _

"_I am so, so sorry about this. If I'd had any idea, I would have told you. I know you must hate me for... for what I did, but I never meant for any of this to happen. I was... I was a total idiot for sleeping with Luke back then, it should have been you, it was always you, I love you. It was only once, and I had no idea I was pregnant, and then he left, and you were taken, and I was here... believe me, I never, ever meant to hurt you."_

"_I know, Ellie. I'm sorry for shouting at you."_

_Silence stretched out between them. _

"_Do you wanna know why I did it?"_

"_I'm not sure, do I?"_

"_I... I had sex with him because I felt so awful about hurting you. I felt like I had killed you, I wanted to be with Luke, but I didn't want you to hurt like that, and I felt so bad for leaving you that I couldn't bear it. So I tried to... make myself forget."_

"_Hm."_

"_I know it sounds dreadful, and I know you can never really forgive me, but... I was thinking of you. I never forgot you, Jack, never."_

"_Look, Ellie... I sort of get it. I mean, it nearly kills me that the only girl I ever loved had sex with someone else, but I think I get it."_

"_So... where does that leave us? Do you... do you want out?"_

"_I don't know. I honestly don't know. I love you, Ellie, I always have but...this is so much to take in. Give me a bit of time, and I think I'll be able to handle it."_

"_Of course. As long as you need."_

"_Thanks."_

_He hadn't taken as long as she had thought. The next morning, while she was feeding Murron, he had watched them with a little smile. _

"_Can I hold her?"_

Ellie smiled at the thought. He had taken them both, had accepted that from that day onwards, there would be no being with Ellie without being with Murron. He had thrown himself into being Murron's father, had tried to make himself forget that she was not his own flesh and blood. It had been easy at first, Murron was such a bundle of gurgling, babbling joy.

But she had grown, grown every day – and her eyes, her startlingly blue eyes, exactly like Luke's, so different from both Ellie's hazel and Jack's brown ones, had started to look around herself with more curiosity with every passing day. Her face was like Ellie's, but her father's eyes were undeniable.

Jack had tried to ignore it. But Ellie watched him as bit by bit, day by day, he had looked more and more at those eyes, she had seen him recognize Luke in her child's eyes more and more the longer he looked. And there had come a day when he couldn't bear it any more.

It had been a quiet sort of goodbye. No big fights. Not even small ones.

Just a note on her dresser when he didn't come to sleep in their bed any more: "I'm so sorry, but I can't."

Two days later, she had packed up her things and her child and had left the Mall for Dee's and Patch's farm. She'd left him a note: "I'm so sorry I hurt you."

In the beginning, she'd travelled back and forth between her new home, Alice's farm, and the Mall. She'd made the trek every couple of weeks to see her sister and her old friends at the Mall – particularly Jack.

At first, it had worked fine – they had managed some sort of awkward friendship. At least, that was what she had thought – until one day, a thoughtless comment, Ellie hardly even remembered what it had been, had sparked a full-out fight between the two, and Ellie had realized exactly how much he was hurting.

Enormously, that was how much. Earth-shatteringly, bone-crushingly, never letting up.

All that time when she had thought they were moving past it, that they were maybe even beginning to really be friends, he had been aching. Every time she had spoken of her new life, of Murron, it had killed him a little inside. It was only then that she understood what he had been doing for her – he had let her go, had pretended to be all right, so that she could move on, and every fresh attempt of hers at friendship was another small death for him.

Before that, she had thought that they were sort of all right – not together any more, because of her child, but definitely still friends. But when they were shouting at each other across the room, that was when she knew that whatever they had once had was irretrievably broken and could never be repaired. And it was that which made her ache for his forgiveness all those years later: that she had hurt him even after she had left, and had not even known it.

They never spoke again – there was nothing to say any more, although every time, on the way to the Mall, Ellie promised herself that she'd try and talk it out with him, at least to make sure he was all right, at least to be sure he didn't hate her. But somehow she never did, and the more time passed, the less she could bring herself to break the silence. When she was visiting, he didn't go out of his way to avoid her – but he didn't exactly seek her out either. A few times, she caught him looking at her with those sad, hurt eyes of his, but he averted his glance as soon as he saw her looking.

Over time, a few of the Mall Rats migrated with her – first Darryl, then Lottie, and finally Gel and Sammy. They hardly ever went back these days – least of all Ellie. Gel and Sammy sometimes went to visit their old friends at the Mall, and occasionally, Amber or Trudy would visit with their families when they needed a bit of time off from the city. It was Amber who sometimes volunteered bits of information about Jack, intuiting that Ellie needed to hear about him, but wouldn't ask.

Most of the time, she didn't think about him too much any more – it had been six years since she had left, and she had other things to occupy her mind. But every so often, something would remind her of him – when Darryl wore a particularly violently colored shirt, or Patch tinkered around with some household appliance. Then it still felt like there was something missing – there was this gap in her life where Jack had been, and nobody could ever really replace him. But she couldn't get him back, either – she had missed that chance, once and for all.

So here was the reason for all her troubles: Luke, father of her child, old love, haunting mistake – back from the dead, more or less, wanting back into her life. She had understood him so well, when he had said that he needed to know that she didn't hate him – it was exactly how she felt about Jack. She didn't want him back, but she needed to know that they were somehow ok. There was no way that she could deny this kind of closure to Luke after he had gone through all the trouble of finding her.

In the end, there was nothing but to talk it out. Jack would have to wait – if she ever gathered the courage to speak to him in the first place – while Luke had to be taken care of now. They needed to talk about how to handle things, at least for the foreseeable future. And then she needed to tell Murron.

Luke first, though.


	7. Meetings

She found him still lying in the same spot on the lawn, looking up into the clouds. Dropping down next to him, she gazed upwards too, and for a while, they didn't speak.

She felt Luke move next to her, turning on his side so he could look at her, before he broke the silence. "I never thought I would have children. Not in this world."

She sighed. "I thought I would have them with someone else – a lot later."

"I'm sorry I messed that up for you. How... how did Jack take it?"

"He didn't know, for a long time. I didn't know I was pregnant until after Jack had been abducted by the Technos and I had been shipped off to a prison island. I had Murron there, but when she was a few weeks old, they erased my memories of her and sent me back to the city." She saw his outraged look and silenced him with a gesture. It was better to lay it all out before letting him talk again. "Jack and I continued where we had left off, we only found out that she existed when we accidentally ended up on the island when we were running from Mega's supposed super-virus. Then, when I had her back, and remembered what happened, he took it all right, I guess. As well as could be expected, at first – he tried to take us both, but in the end, he couldn't do it. She started looking too much like you."

He was still staring at her, flabbergasted by all that she had been through – it was even more than he had imagined. He had thought that she had gotten through her pregnancy at home, at the Mall – instead, everything that could have gone wrong in her life did go wrong. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen. I wanted you to be free of me, not to be reminded of what I did for the rest of your life. And all this crap that happened afterwards... I'm so sorry."

Ellie smiled. "Yet here she is, the joy of my life, and I wouldn't have it any other way. All the things that happened – it ended up with me having her."

"Aren't you angry?"

She shook her head. "No. I won't pretend that having Murron hasn't cost me dearly – but I would never want to be without her. She is... everything."

"I'm sorry about you and Jack. You were supposed to be together, you were made for each other. Me, I was just a glitch."

She could feel that it pained him to say it, and wanted to soften his pain a little. "No, you weren't. At the time, I really loved you – or as much as one can love, at fifteen. When you left, I was devastated – and Jack was there for me. That's when I realized that I loved him, too – and he took me back, even though I didn't deserve it. I loved you, but I can never forgive myself for what I did to him when I fell in love with you – and for what I did to him when I had your child instead of his."

"I'm sorry" he repeated.

She shrugged. "It's the way it is. I have to live with it. And I have Murron – having her makes up for anything."

"I'm glad. At least something."

He turned onto his back again and let his eyes drift back up to the clouds. After a while, he heard Ellie speak again. "So what happened to you after you left?"

It was his turn to shrug. "Well, the Guardian caught up to me – tried to get me to join up with him again. I was tempted, to have a purpose again – but I ended up going my own way. I just sort of wandered around for a while – visited some other islands, had a look at how other people lived – and then I heard about that second virus being released in your city, so I started looking for you. I didn't even know I was at first, I just asked around, seeing what I could find out about it – but it somehow became this thing where wherever I went, I'd be looking for you. Sometimes, I'd stay somewhere for some time, a few months, maybe, but in the end, I always kept on moving. And then I ended up here." He rolled over onto his stomach and rested his head on his arms, his eyes boring into hers.

After a few seconds, she broke away, almost a little breathless. There had been too much in those eyes.

"Damn. You _did_ come here to win me back."

His answering laugh startled her. "No, I didn't. I mean I'm not going to act like that didn't cross my mind, but I realize that we're not the same people we were back then. I came to see you because I felt about you the way you feel about Jack – that I messed up so bad that I needed to apologize, and if it was the last thing I did."

She laughed, too. "Bet you didn't expect this."

He snorted. "Definitely not." Silence stretched out between them. "So what happens now?" he finally asked.

"Well, for starters... I won't keep you away from Murron, if you want to get to know her. But you've got to decide whether you want to be a permanent fixture in our daughter's life. Because I wouldn't blame you if you decided to leave, but if you don't plan on staying, I won't tell Murron that you're her father. I don't want her to be heartbroken when you leave."

"That sounds fair."

She looked back at him. "Do you need time to think about it?"

"No. I have a daughter now. I could never leave my child behind."

* * *

><p>They ascended the stairs together, much as he had last night with Lottie, but this time, they didn't go to the last room on the landing. Ellie stopped in front of the second door, which was decorated with fingerpaintings of butterflies and flowers, and turned to Luke.<p>

"I guess there's no right way of doing this so... would you mind waiting outside for a few minutes? I'll call you inside when we're ready."

He nodded. "I get that this is... hard for you. You've never really had to share her. Take your time. Or, you know, if you'd rather, we can do it tomorrow morning."

She squared her shoulders. "No. It's like... ripping off a band-aid. Gotta do it quick. Besides, I've got one hell of a bright kid. As soon as she sees you in daylight, she's gonna see her eyes staring at her outta your face. I'd rather tell her before that." She took one last deep breath, and opened the door.

* * *

><p>Murron was sitting on her bed, reading one of Dee's cookbooks, frowning whenever a particularly hard word crossed her way, moving her lips as she silently spelled out the letters. Yet again, Ellie caught herself wishing they had more children's books in the house, Murron had outgrown the few they owned.<p>

She sat down next to her daughter, and waited until she looked up.

"Sweetie, I need to talk to you about something really important."

Brilliant blue eyes fixed themselves on her face, the book resting forgotten on her knees. "What is it, mommy?"

Ellie pulled her into her lap, hugging her tightly.

"Do you remember how you used to ask about your daddy?"

"Sure I do. You said he wasn't all that important, because we have each other."

"I did. Do you know why I said that?"

"Because he's not coming here."

"Yes. Do you know why?"

"Because he doesn't wanna come?"

"No, honey. Because he doesn't know we're here."

"Oh." Murron fell silent, while Ellie rocked her quietly, thinking about how to go on.

"Baby, would you like to meet your daddy?"

Murron fidgeted around in her mother's lap. "I don't know. What if I don't like him?" Ellie smiled into her hair.

"Oh, you'd like him, I'm sure. And I think he'd really like you too."

"Then I guess I would. But he doesn't know we're here."

Ellie turned Murron around so that she could look into her daughter's eyes. "What if I told you that he does know, now?"

She watched the smile building up in her child's face, and laughed when Murron began nodding vigorously. Once more, she pulled her close, and whispered in her ear. "Go open the door."

Murron practically flew across the room, and snatched the door open.

For a second, she didn't understand, simply staring at Luke, the stranger whose bed she had made yesterday.

"Daddy?"

His face broke into the broadest smile she had ever seen, and he nodded.

"Why didn't you tell me you were my daddy yesterday?"

"I'm so sorry, baby. I didn't know."

"Didn't you want me?"

"Oh yes, baby. I just didn't know you were here."

She took him by the hand and led him to the window, gesturing to him to sit down on the window seat. Then she climbed up next to him, and turned his face towards the setting sun, and just looked.

Luke did the same, drinking in the face of his daughter – the nose and the chin were Ellie's, but the eyes were his, definitely his. The mouth was somewhere in between his and hers, the hair was all Ellie, the dimples all himself.

They didn't need any words.

Neither of them noticed Ellie slipping out of the room.


	8. Behind closed doors

Ellie barely made it to her own room before she broke into tears. The image of Murron and Luke, staring at each other, recognizing their kinship, burned in front of her inner eye. She was glad for Murron to be happy, to finally have met the father she had always dreamed about, but at the same time, her own heart was breaking. She would never be alone with her little girl again, there would always be Luke now – a virtual stranger to her.

It had been plain that, in some mysterious way, Murron and Luke understood each other without words, knew that they somehow belonged together. How they had come to that realization, Ellie barely knew, but she had seen it in her child's eyes when they had bored themselves into Luke's. Of course, rationally, Ellie knew that this didn't mean that Murron would love her any less – but it felt like a piece of herself was being torn out, it was much, much worse than any heartbreak she had felt when she had lost Luke or Jack. This was her own flesh, which was not only her own any more. Any connection she had had to any other person paled in comparison to the bond she had with her child.

She curled up on her bed and sobbed quietly, hoping to god nobody would see her this way. She didn't want to be weak. She wanted to be all right with all this, she wanted for her child to be happy, she didn't want to begrudge her that happiness. More than anything else, she wanted to be that good person who could accept that her child had always wanted a father, and that, at least for a little while, Murron would be mesmerized by this new person in her life. Ellie knew that Luke wouldn't try to take Murron away from her, but she had also seen in his eyes – when their daughter had led him into the light to study his face – that he wanted, really wanted, this daughter.

It was nothing compared to sharing Murron with Darryl – Darryl, who had gone through thick and thin with her, Darryl, who loved the both of them, Darryl who had helped raise Murron almost as if she were his own. Ellie knew that he almost wished Murron really to be his – but somehow, she never had been. Darryl was like a favorite uncle to Murron, one who taught her things and gave her gifts, but in a way, Murron had taken her tone from Ellie – as long as he was no more than a close friend to Ellie, he never was more than a close friend to her daughter. Knowing Murron loved Darryl had never been a burden – because she never loved him as well as she loved her mother.

Of course, it was selfish to feel that way. But Ellie couldn't help it.

_And yet, I let her meet him, because I knew she wanted to. I'd rather be in here, in pain, than out there, knowing that Murron wants to know her father and that I am withholding him from her. _

She didn't hear the knock on her door, but she felt the bed shift when someone slid in next to her and put his arm around her. For a moment, she flinched away, but then Darryl's earthy smell filled her nostrils as he held her.

"It's all right. I'm not hitting on you. I'm just here for you."

Ellie rolled over and clung to him as she cried her eyes out. "I didn't know it would be this hard."

"Shhh, I know. But it's going to be all right." He kissed the top of her head and tucked her against his chest.

"Darryl, please tell me I'm doing the right thing."

He shrugged. "I don't know what that is."

"I'm a mother. And I'm allowing my only child to love a stranger, because it's what she wants. Please tell me that this is the right thing to do."

His arms tightened around her. "You know how I feel about that. But she's your daughter. Only you can really know."

"I'm so sorry, Darryl. I know it's hard for you too. But you can imagine how much harder it is for me."

She felt him nod and run his hands over her back in soothing circles, and fisted her hands in his shirt to bring him closer as she gave herself over to her tears. He gripped her tighter and let her cry herself out. This was not the moment to try and win her over, to try and make her see what she should have seen years ago – that he was hers. This was the moment to let Ellie grieve the fact that she was no longer the only parent in Murron's life, for better or for worse.

After a while, her sobs quieted, but she still held on to him as if she were drowning and he was a life-raft. "Make me feel better, Darryl. Make this stop."

He knew then and there that it was a bad idea – that it was going to mess everything up even worse than it already was, but he never could say no to Ellie.

So he kissed her.

For a second, she didn't react, but then she kissed him back as if her life depended on it – her hands releasing the front of his shirt and snaking into his hair, her body pushing itself into his, her lips parting hungrily. It felt like she was consuming him – burning right into his soul in her quest to soothe her pain.

He knew all too well what this was – it was raw need, the need to feel loved, but he also knew that she still didn't love him. Even as he groaned and shuddered when her tongue met his, he knew that this did not mean she had changed her mind about him – just that she desperately needed to feel close to someone. In a way, he was glad it was himself – at least, he was spared the knowledge that that stranger, who had already taken so much from them, was also taking Ellie. It was better to at least have this than to have nothing at all. It was better to at least be the one she turned to for comfort, than to be just the friend who had to watch as she moved on. He could not allow himself to hope for anything more. He could just try to pleasure her, to make the pain go away for a little while.

Their bodies entwined, he pushed those thoughts away, at least for a little while. For just a few minutes, he would let himself pretend that Ellie really wanted _him_, that this wasn't about numbing her pain, or about quelling a brief need for intimacy. Drowning out the voice in his head that told him that this was a Really Foolish Thing to do, he buried his hands in the back pockets of her pants, pulling her groin towards his and grinding into her. He was rewarded with a sigh that reverberated against his mouth and breathed in her hot breath.

It had been so long since he had last been allowed to kiss her – years and years. He would damn well enjoy it as long as it lasted.

When her hands found their way under his shirt and began tugging it up, he knew that it was time. He couldn't go through that again – making love to her knowing that this was only a distraction from her real problems to her. He could only take so much.

Gently, he disengaged himself from her. "Ellie. Stop. We can't do this."

Her eyes snapped open. For a moment, she stared at him, wild-eyed. Then, he saw understanding set in.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry, Darryl. I should never have..."

He silenced her by kissing her lightly. "It's all right, I started it. I don't mind kissing you to make you feel better. But I'm not going to make love to you. Believe me, I want to. But I have limits, you know."

She scrambled up, as far away from him as the narrow bed would allow. "I'm SO, so sorry Darryl. I wasn't thinking straight, I shouldn't have... Please don't..."

"Don't worry, Ellie. I'm not getting my hopes up. I know you weren't really kissing _me. _You were just... cheering yourself up."

"I'm so sorry. This really wasn't fair of me."

"No, it's all right. At least I get to kiss you every now and then when you're feeling bad, that's better than nothing."

"No, it's not, it's really not ok. It's not fair of me to use you like this."

He had to put a stop to this. "Ellie, shut the hell up. I kissed you, and I knew what I was doing. I'm not stupid, I know that if you haven't started loving me by now, you never will. But I'd much rather have this – that sometimes, you turn to me – than have nothing at all. I'm an adult. I can handle it."

With that, he got up and walked towards the door. With his hand on the door knob, he turned towards her once more. "Don't worry, Ellie. I know you're never going to love me the way you love Murron, or the way you loved Luke and Jack. Just... let me go on loving you. That's all I'm asking for."

He was gone before Ellie could think of something to say to that.

Ellie laid back on the bed and sighed. What the hell was she doing?

_Repeating old mistakes_, a traitorous voice in her head said. Wasn't this what had led her where she was right now? That when she had felt bad about hurting Jack, she'd tried to numb the pain by sleeping with Luke? And she'd done it again when Jack and her had broken up that second, final time – she'd tried to make herself forget by sleeping with Darryl.

What kind of a person did that make her?

_A girl who uses other people to make her feel better about herself_, the mean little voice whispered.

It hadn't been quite the same thing with Luke – she really had loved him, but she'd still slept with him for all the wrong reasons. But Darryl... there was no excuse for that. Especially now – when just a couple of hours earlier, he had basically told her that he loved her. He knew how she felt about him, and yet he'd kissed her, because she'd practically begged him to.

_God help me, I'm breaking his heart, and he's letting me_.

The guilt almost paralyzed her. It even drove Murron and Luke out of her mind, and for a good half-hour she continued to run circles in her head around the fact that she had kissed Darryl without any deeper feeling than a need to forget about what her daughter and her ex-lover were up to in the room next door.

A knock at her door interrupted her musings, and she called out for whoever it was to come in.

Lottie pushed open the door with her elbow and shoulder, carefully carrying a vase with a budding hyacinth in it.

"Darryl told me to give you this, and to tell you to stop obsessing, that everything is going to be all right."

Ellie stared at the proffered flower. Trust Darryl to remember that – that the smell of hyacinths calmed her down like nothing else. The heavy scent of the blossoms wafted into her consciousness and recalled her mother's kitchen, conversations with her father, little confidences to Alice on the sofa. _Hyacinths, smell of my childhood_. She smiled as she buried her nose in the purple petals and let the heady aroma wash away the troubles. _Of course Darryl was right. It was going to be fine. _

She set the vase down on her bedside table and looked at Lottie. "Thank you, dear."

The girl sat down next to the woman. "That's all right, Darryl found it. What's going on, anyways? What's going to be all right?"

"It's complicated."

Lottie rolled her eyes. "Ellie, I'm eighteen. I may spend most of my time with kids, but I'm not a kid any more."

A smile tugged on Ellie's lips as she elbowed the younger one lightly. "Sorry. I know that. I'm just still trying to get my head around it myself."

"Well, Ruby always used to say that talking things over helps understand them better."

"Guess she's right."

Nothing happened. Lottie gave Ellie a push. "Spit it out."

"Well... long story short, Luke, the guy who arrived last night, is Murron's dad who I never thought I'd see again and who had no clue he had a daughter. He and Murron are in her room right now, getting to know each other. Also, Darryl has decided that now is a good time to tell me that he's in love with me, but that he's cool with just being friends with benefits if that's all he's going to get. Which makes me feel like a monster, because I don't love him, even though he deserves it."

"Wow." Lottie let herself fall backwards onto the bed. "You're in deep shit."

Ellie shrugged. "You don't have to tell me. I don't know what I feel worse about, suddenly having to share Murron with Luke after all this time of having her to myself, or this thing with Darryl. I really wish I loved him, life would seem much easier."

"From what I gather, it never is."

That drew a small laugh from Ellie. "Yeah, I know. I just kind of wish I knew what to do." She watched the younger girl stare up at the ceiling, and it was a few minutes before Lottie spoke.

"Don't feel bad about Murron – she'll always be your daughter, no matter what. And Darryl... leave him to me."

"What do you mean?"

She shrugged. "I mean it's about time that guy realizes that I'm not twelve any more – and that I've liked him ever since I was that old."

Ellie nearly fell off the bed. "What? I had no idea! Why didn't you ever tell me?"

Lottie shrugged again. "It's not a big deal, I just like him. I always figured I had no chance – before, I was too young for him, and I got so used to not having a chance with him that there never seemed to be a point to telling anyone."

"Oh Lottie, I wish you'd told me!"

The girl rolled over onto her stomach and rested her chin on her hands. "As I said, there never was a point. I watched all of you fall in and out of love, I figured out ages ago that you can't make anyone love you – so I just kept quiet about it. Besides, he never had eyes for anyone but you." Ellie was surprised at how little bitterness there was in Lottie's voice.

"So what changed?"

There was a mischievous smile on the dark-haired girl's face. "Your baby-daddy turned up. If that doesn't turn Darryl off you, nothing will."

For a second, all Ellie could do was gape at the girl dumb-founded. Then, they both burst out laughing, and she affectionately tousled the brunette head. "Trust you to find something positive about this!"

"Let's just hope it works. I'm damn tired of being the only serious single around here."


	9. Adjusting

When had his own face ever been this fascinating? Their reflections gazed back at them out of the mirror, as Luke and Murron stared into it, trying to trace every single similarity in their countenances. Murron reached out and followed the lines around his mouth with her finger, watching the reflected child doing the same – when he smiled into her hands, she touched the dimples on his cheeks and then those on her own, twins. He lifted up the hem of his shirt and showed her the birthmark on his ribcage, looking at her questioningly – she nodded and pointed towards her own ribs, where the same vaguely star-shaped mark bloomed. Their hands weren't the same, though – the shape of her fingers, she must have gotten from Ellie, just like the pale blonde hair and the nose (_thank God for that_, he thought).

It was as if they could never get enough of looking into each other's faces – had they been lovers, they could not have studied each other more intently. The sun had set by the time anyone spoke.

"Luke?"

"Yes, baby?"

"Are you going to stay and be my daddy?"

"If you want me to."

"Yes please." He watched her think, hard. "Does that mean you're going to be with mommy? Like Dee and Patch?"

"I think that's up to your mommy to decide."

"Oh." She looked around. "Where is mommy anyways?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. Should we look for her?"

"Let's."

* * *

><p>Looking back on it a few weeks later, Ellie realized that things could have gone worse. The tribe could have refused to accept him. Murron could have hated her new dad. Luke could have been an awful father. Or he could have been too good at it. He could have tried to get back with her.<p>

But none of that had happened. Instead, Luke found himself accepted relatively easily by the rest of Ellie's housemates, and worshipped by his daughter. They were a funny duo: Murron hanging off him nearly all the time, and him, always slightly bewildered, trying to be the best father he could be, but more often than not, at a complete loss for what to do – after all, he lacked the years of experience that Ellie had had at being a parent. The time that Ellie had spent learning how to be a mother, he had spent roaming up and down the country, working here and there, trying to fit in somewhere, but always ultimately being blown somewhere else by the wind.

All that seemed to exist for him now was Murron – he willingly helped Darryl and Sammy with the farm work, but it was she who absorbed his every free minute, trying to make up for all the lost time. It was a good thing that there was plenty of work for Luke to do around the farm every day, or Ellie would never have had any time to spend with her daughter, except for the nights when the little girl crept into her mother's bed and curled up next to her.

It was those nights that reconciled Ellie to having Luke around – those nights when she'd stay awake and watch her daughter sleep, knowing that she never crept into Luke's bed like that. Yes, Murron was absolutely enthralled with the idea of having a father at last, and the object of her affections could have been a lot worse, but at the end of the day, it was still her mother she turned to when she felt bewildered by this turn in her life.

There were, of course, other problems that weren't as easily tucked away as Ellie tucked her daughter into bed. Luke's return had brought back all her memories of what had happened with Jack, and how she had done him wrong – whenever she looked at Luke and Murron, she remembered Jack watching Murron and knowing he was seeing his rival's features in her face. Ellie had not yet managed to untangle that snarl of feelings – the guilt over hurting Jack, her first love, and her feelings for Luke, this other man whom she had also loved, and who had fathered her child. Sometimes she wondered how she had ever managed to be with Luke in the first place – not because he was an unpleasant companion, but because the simple fact of his presence nearly overwhelmed her with guilt over what had happened with Jack. At the same time, the time he spent with Murron brought out the best in him – watching them together, Ellie saw the Luke that she had fallen in love with eight years ago, not the aimless drifter he had become over the years. But as happy as she was for her daughter to have a loving father, it changed nothing about the fact that she could not separate Luke from Jack – to think of one was to think of the other, and that put an end to any kind of romantic feelings she might otherwise have developed for Luke.

Of course, Luke didn't really seem to want any kind of romance anyways. He was so wrapped up in Murron that he never spoke of anything but his daughter to Ellie – which, come to think about it, bothered her as well. Sometimes she caught herself gazing at him half-longingly, wondering why he wasn't interested in her any more – had she changed so much, was she so old? - only to call herself hard names a minute later for even thinking that. She didn't want to want him, but it bothered her that he didn't seem to want her either. No matter which way she turned it, it was a mess – loving him was impossible, but only being friends while sharing her child was just as impossible.

Nothing much had changed with Darryl, either – although Lottie was doing her best to spend more time with him, there was a sullen and standoffish look that never left his face these days, and intensified when he looked at Luke. Ellie couldn't really blame him for that, although she wished there was something she could do – but she knew from experience that the only thing that could really help Darryl was to fall in love with someone else, and he didn't seem to be ready for that just yet. Sometimes she cursed him for only speaking up when Luke entered the picture – wouldn't it have been so much easier if he'd spoken earlier? Couldn't she have learned to love him, if he hadn't kept silent until he actually felt threatened? Maybe he hadn't realized exactly how he felt about her as long as there was nobody else who might want her love.

Ellie sighed and made an effort to focus on the real world instead of her thoughts. All this thinking was for nothing anyways – she had been turning all those thoughts over and over in her head for weeks, and had gotten nowhere, except confused. She couldn't fathom Luke, or Darryl, or even herself. So instead, she concentrated on the sight of Murron, sprawled out on the lawn pursuing her new favorite pastime: looking at Luke. Whenever they weren't doing anything in particular – reading, walking, talking – she'd stop and gaze at him as if he were a precious stone or a rare painting. His face seemed to hold endless fascination to her, and she spent so much time just studying his features, she might be learning him by heart. When Ellie had asked her about it, Murron had explained that she didn't need to learn him by heart – his face was in her heart, already, but really, she was trying to find out her own face in his.

"I know where I am in your face, mommy. I know your nose is my nose and your hair is my hair. But I don't know where I am in daddy's face. And I don't know which parts belong to me alone. So I'm learning them now."

In a strange sort of way, it made sense to Ellie. Only now that Murron had both her parents for comparison, she could find out what bits of her came from her mother and father, and what bits were just herself. Perhaps, Ellie reflected, my daughter has never really known who she is, until now that she can really see who she came from.

* * *

><p>Ellie was mistaken on one account: Luke was not indifferent to her. In fact, she occupied his thoughts almost as much as the little girl who had taken up residence in his heart without warning. But the fact was that even though Ellie had granted him some sort of forgiveness, he had not forgiven himself – neither for leaving her, nor for having missed the first seven years of his daughter's life. He knew that Murron didn't think that way – that she was too delighted to have a father to think or even care about the time when she hadn't had one – but <em>he<em> cared.

He had thought that once he saw Ellie again – once he got the chance to really apologize – he would feel all right. That the guilt of having hurt her would somehow lift off him if he could only be sure that she was all right, that she had moved on, that she bore no grudge.

Of course, he hadn't expected Murron. That had changed everything and added to his load just when he thought he had slipped it off his shoulders for good. He could never take those seven years back.

But sometimes, late at night, when he thought he could almost feel Ellie and Murron three doors down, he realized that even if there had been no daughter waiting for him here, he would never have been completely free. The first heartbreak lasts forever – no matter whether it's your heart that gets broken or if it's you who's doing the breaking. Breaking someone else's heart is its own kind of pain, and sooner or later, we all come to regret the pain we have caused, of that, Luke was sure.

In light of all this emotional garbage (and from the way she hardly talked to him, he was certain that Ellie was on her own guilt-trip about Jack), he decided it was best to keep his distance and occupy his time with Murron instead – the only person who didn't have any reproaches or regrets in this.

And of course, there was work to occupy him – from the number of chores Dee, Patch and Sammy found for him to do, he wondered how they had managed to keep the farm running before he was there. Feeding the chicken, checking up on the cows and sheep in the pasture, mucking out stables, mending fences, haymaking, fruit-picking, potato-peeling, there was never any need to be bored.


	10. An unexpected journey

There came a day when Dee had enough. She had been watching Ellie tiptoe around Luke for close to a month, and even though they had not spoken about it ever since that afternoon in the attic, she could tell that there was still turmoil in her friend's head. It didn't look like anybody else saw it – to the other members of the tribe, Ellie and Luke seemed to be polite, but more or less indifferent acquaintances who happened to have a child together – but from the way Ellie never seemed to look at Luke directly, never spoke to him except about their daughter or farm business, Dee could tell that nothing was right between them. She neither knew nor cared much about what was going on in Luke's head, but there was a regretful sort of look that hadn't left Ellie's face ever since he had turned up.

It was clear that something needed to be done, and that Ellie wasn't going to do it if somebody didn't force her into it. Considering that nobody else seemed to notice her inner distress, it would have to be Dee herself who gave that push.

So one morning she walked into Ellie's room while the younger girl was brushing her hair.

"Oi, you. You're going into the city. The horse is saddled."

Ellie wheeled around, brush in hand, looking astonished. "What the hell is up with you? Who said anything about the city?"

Dee grinned. "I did. You've been moping around here for a month, looking at Luke and Murron, and Jack has been on your mind every day since Luke turned up here. You're going to the city and facing your damn demons."

Ellie turned back to the mirror and began yanking her brush through her hair again. "Dee, that is insane. I'm not going anywhere. I haven't been moping. What business is it of yours anyways?"

With a sigh, Dee stepped closer and gently took the brush from her friend's hand, beginning to softly comb through Ellie's hair with her fingers. "I'm your friend, Ellie, that's what makes it my business. I can see nothing is all right with you." She began braiding the younger girl's hair, although her friend still looked mutinous. "Look, Ellie, I know you're scared. I know that you have no idea what exactly it is you want, because I see it in your face whenever you look at Luke and you can't decide whether you want him or you don't, and it bothers you that he doesn't give you the time of day except where Murron is concerned. But I also know, from what you told me the other day when we talked about it all, that Jack is always on your mind, and even if you hadn't told me, I would still see it every time you look at Murron. You're stuck, and you've got to un-stick yourself, one way or another. You need to go and see Jack. Everything else will sort itself out after that, I'm certain of it."

They looked at each other through the mirror, locked in a silent staring contest. Ellie was the first to avert her gaze. "I hate it when you go all Madame Fortuna on me."

"Sometimes we need someone else to help us see clearly."

Ellie sighed again. "And exactly what do you propose? That I waltz into the Mall going 'Hey Jack, this is going to sound crazy, but I have massive regrets about everything that happened and it would be really rad if you could just tell me that you forgive me?'"

"Well, how about you just go there and see how he reacts, for starters. It's been six years. He might not be quite as emotional about it as he used to. Especially since he's been with what's-her-name..."

"Ruby"

"Right, Ruby. As far as I know, he's been with her for a year or two."

"More like three, if they haven't broken up."

"See? Go to town. See him. Make peace. See what comes next."

Dee could see that Ellie could find no arguments against the suggestion any more. She watched with some satisfaction as the younger girl gathered a few clothes and stuffed them into a backpack, finally turning towards her friend.

"I know Luke will be delighted to have a few days alone with Murron, but you'll have an eye on her anyways, won't you?"

"Of course. And Darryl will, too, I'm sure of it."

"Maybe. I don't really know how he feels about it any more, we haven't really been talking much lately."

"Well, you can sort that out, too, when you're back. First things first. Go back to the beginning."

Ellie only shrugged and went in search of Murron and Luke to tell them she would be away for a few days.

* * *

><p>They all rose early on the farm, so even though it took a little while for Ellie to get going, the sun wasn't high in the sky when Ellie set out on her trip to the city.<p>

Traveling wasn't as risky a business as it had been in the years right after the virus, but it wouldn't do to be distracted while on the road – especially if you were riding, with horses still being a coveted possession in a world largely without cars. Of course, on horseback, you could outrun anyone who wanted to harm you if they were on foot, but only if you managed to get away quickly enough, not if they got the drop on you. So Ellie focused on the road rather than what she was riding towards – Dee was right, there was no point in borrowing trouble, or, even worse, getting into trouble by not paying attention to the way. There would be enough time to worry about all the possible outcomes of her errand once she was actually at the Mall, face to face with him.

She took the path through the woods that Luke had to have taken on his journey towards her. Delilah, her horse, knew the way almost as well as Ellie herself did, and picked her way along the half-hidden trail easily. All Ellie had to do was keep her ears wide open for any uncommon sounds, and duck down when they passed under low-hanging branches. The likelihood that anyone besides a stray Gaian would cross her path here was small, but there was no need to be careless. Ellie drew her coat closer around herself; it was chilly in the shade of the trees, and the forest never failed to make her a little uncomfortable. She didn't mind it as long as it surrounded the farm, in fact, she was rather grateful for the way it acted like a barrier between the farm and the rest of the world – hardly anyone came to the farm by accident, because there weren't many people who didn't prefer to stay out of the forest rather than walking into it. You had to _want_ to come to the farm (and have a pretty good idea where it lay) to end up there. Not for the first time, Ellie wondered where Luke had got the information that allowed him to find her – not that it was a secret where they were, but it wasn't exactly in the phone book, either.

When the horse pricked up its ears and broke into a gallop, all Ellie could do was hang on and curse herself for having allowed her mind to wander after all. She ducked into the mare's mane and held the reins tight, trying to discern what it was that had sent her steed off – and nearly toppled out of the saddle when she suddenly felt someone slide on behind her.

"Whoa, easy there, Ellie. It's just me!"

She brought Delilah to a screeching halt and turned to the girl who had somehow managed to get onto the horse while it was galloping straight through the forest. "What the hell was that about, Mouse? Are you trying to give me a heart attack? Are you supposed to be fucking Pocahontas or something?"

The teen grinned at her and slipped off Delilah's back. "Just keeping you on your toes. Who's Pocahontas?"

Ellie sighed. "Never mind. What are you doing in this part of the forest anyways, Mouse? I didn't think Hawk let you wander this far from camp."

Mouse laughed. "Don't worry, mother hen. I'm fifteen, I get to wander. Besides, we moved camp since last you saw us, we live much closer to here than you remember."

The older girl tensed up immediately. "Moved camp? What for? Was there an attack?" The Gaians never moved their abode unless they felt threatened.

The little Maori made a dismissive gesture. "Nah, nothing like that. You know Hawk, he's a bit paranoid sometimes. A stranger stumbled across us a month or two ago, and after he left, Hawk didn't want him to be able to find us again, or lead anyone to us."

A light went on in Ellie's head. "Was that stranger by any chance looking for me?"

"Yup" Mouse confirmed cheerfully. "So he found you, huh? I hope you didn't mind us sending him your way" she added hastily. "The tribal council did have a vote on it, you know. We checked him out first, asked him a lot of questions. And we didn't tell him straight out that it was really you who lived down there – even though we were pretty sure he really meant you – so you could still get rid of him if you wanted to." She shrugged. "He sounded like he'd lived at the Mall at some point, but I figured there was no point in telling him I'd been a Mall Rat once, it's been so long since I've been there."

Ellie smiled. "No, it was ok. I'd been wondering how he'd found us anyways. Guess that's what distracted me from seeing you." She gave Mouse a friendly poke.

"Or maybe you just didn't see me because I'm super-stealthy and I snuck up on you with barely a sound. If Delilah hadn't bolted straight away when she heard me, I wouldn't even have had to break a sweat to get up behind you!" The girl mock-puffed out her chest. Then she grew serious again. "So where are you going to, anyways?"

"Towards the city. Got a few things I need to take care of."

Mouse nodded understandingly. Ellie took the opportunity to look her over properly for the first time – it was kids like Mouse and Lottie that really drove the realization home of how much time had passed. The little girl that had left the Mall to live with the Gaians nearly seven years ago was fast approaching adulthood, standing tall in her woolen tunic and leather leggings, feathers braided into her long plait, but with the same little turned up nose and the same mischevious glint in her eyes. She had to be older now than Ellie had been when the virus had hit. It was different from seeing Murron growing up – Murron was a creature of the new world after the virus, while Lottie and Mouse had lived through it. It made Ellie feel very old all of a sudden.

She was jolted out of her thoughts by a friendly slap on her leg. "Have a safe trip then, Ellie. Don't start dreaming on the road, the next person who manages to sneak up on you won't be as nice as I am."

Ellie nodded and watched with some fascination as Mouse melted back into the trees, disappearing the moment the older girl blinked. She had mastered all the skills of the Gaians to perfection – except, perhaps, their serene detachment from the world outside the forest.


	11. A different perspective

The journey to the Mall took about a day and a half on horseback, and the best place to spend the intervening night would be Alice's farm. It was high time for a visit anyways, it had been Alice who had made the trek out to Ellie's place the last two or three times they had seen each other, and Ellie felt she should have returned the favor long ago. It had been years since she had ventured that close to the city, always half afraid that she might run into _him_.

Night had already fallen when Ellie led Delilah into the farm's stable and unsaddled her. After she'd fed and watered her horse, she went and knocked on the farm house's door. It only took a few seconds for Alice to appear and yank her into an enthusiastic hug.

"Ha! So I was right after all, I thought I'd heard hooves! Ryan was just telling me I was being paranoid. It's so good to see you, sis! What are you doing here?" Without waiting for an answer, she ushered her younger sister into the kitchen, where the fire was burning low in the grate and Ryan was sitting carving some wooden toy by candlelight. He smiled and rose in greeting, giving Ellie an awkward one-armed hug.

"All right, all right, Alice, you were right. Definitely hooves. Welcome back, Ellie."

In no time at all, Ellie found herself installed by the fireside, a bowl of soup in one hand and a hunk of fresh bread in the other. Alice had settled back down next to Ryan, in that comfortable companionship they had developed over the past few years – two people who enjoyed each other's company without feeling the need for any kind of romance after both of their less-than-stellar experiences in the past. Farm life had done Ryan good, Ellie had noticed it before. The timid boy who had always doubted himself and had always believed himself a little stupid had grown into a man who felt that he was good at what he was doing, and that even though farm life might not be a particularly demanding job – intellectually speaking – it was exactly what he ought to be doing. After all the time he had spent being shunted around from mine to mine and camp to camp, first by the Chosen and then by the Technos, it didn't seem surprising to Ellie that he liked a nice, quiet life now that he had the choice. Alice, on the other hand, hadn't really changed all that much. Life with Ryan might have made her a little quieter, but that was about it.

"So where's everybody else? Lex and KC and the girls?"

Ryan and Alice both laughed, but it was Alice who answered first.

"Lex and Tai San are in their bedroom, probably doing what they do best together. As for KC, Cloe and Patsy, believe it or not, they shacked up together in the old summer cottage down by the river."

Ryan chortled. "We think they have a sort of ménage à trois going, but we haven't really asked them about it. We just joke about it behind their backs."

The idea of Ryan using an expression like "ménage à trois", coupled with the mental image of little KC, Cloe and Patsy (who, all at about 20, weren't all that little anyways) in a three-way relationship, set Ellie off into a burst of laughter, and Ryan and her sister soon joined her.

When she had caught her breath, Ellie tried to steady herself, only to resolve into another fit of giggles. Finally, she managed to choke out: "Ménage à trois? Seriously, Ryan?"

He nodded, quite soberly. "Well, at any rate, they seemed to feel like they didn't need to live with us old folks any more, so they went for some independence. They seem to trundle along quite nicely by the river, though, and that's all that really matters in the end." He gave her a small smile. "And how about you, Ellie? It's been years since you've come to the farm."

She fidgeted, unsure as to how much she should tell them – but Alice's eyes zeroed in on the movement straight away.

"Ellie, what's going on?" she asked in her stern big sister voice.

The blonde turned the soup bowl round and round in her hands. Alice made a move as if to take it away from her, but out of the corner of her eyes, Ellie saw Ryan give a minute shake of his head that clearly said _give her a minute_. Finally, she looked up.

"I need to go see Jack. I have to clear up our baggage."

Alice's voice was suddenly sharp. "Which part of it? The one where you dumped him for a Chosen lieutenant or the one where you left in the middle of the night with your baby?"

"All of it" Ellie snapped. "And you know I didn't leave in the middle of the night and it was a whole lot more complicated than that anyways."

This time, Ryan actually laid a calming hand on Alice's arm. "Why now?" he inquired. "It's been years."

She could feel her sister's eyes boring into her head, and her voice was steely. "Ellie, what made you want to 'clear up' things with Jack?" Alice knew Ellie too well not to notice when there was a big _something_ that her little sister wasn't telling her.

Sighing, she met Alice's gaze full-on. "It's been six years, and not a day has passed when I didn't think of what I did. And it's been worse, lately. I can't look at Murron without feeling guilty about how things ended with him, and I can't live like that any more. So I came to talk things out." She took a deep breath, preparing for the explosion, and plunged on. "Also, Luke turned up."

"WHAT?" She knew Alice had jumped up, she heard the chair topple over, but her eyes were already back on her hands, turning the bowl in her lap. But she wasn't prepared for the deep, calming breath that her sister took and for the noise of the chair being righted and the sound of Alice's large form settling back down. Ryan must have mellowed her down much more than Ellie had realized.

"Sorry about that, sis. I didn't think I'd ever hear his name again from you, much less that you'd actually seen him. Start from the top."

So Ellie told her – about Luke's unexpected reappearance, about not wanting him to know about Murron at first, but deciding to tell him after all, about the reunion of father and daughter and the bliss that seemed to have come from it, and about the tangle of guilt and regret and uncertainty she felt about Jack whenever she so much as looked at Luke and Murron. She told them about how Dee had made her come, and how she'd realized on the way there that her friend had been right, she could not move on either way without clearing this up.

Afterwards, she sat for a long time in a silence that seemed to expand and fill the room until it was suffocating, but she hadn't expected Ryan to be the first to break it. His voice was very gentle, as if he were speaking to a hurt animal or a child that needed comforting.

"Ellie, did it ever occur to you that Jack might not feel as strongly about all this as you do?"

"What do you mean?"

"All of this happened years ago. He might have just, you know, moved on."

"But I was awful. I ruined a perfectly good relationship by being stupid and thoughtless and immature and-"

"And Jack knows that you were young. And he was young himself. And men don't tend to dwell on the past so much anyways."

"How do you know that I didn't screw him up for life?"

"Well first, he didn't look screwed up to me last time I saw him, a few weeks ago. Second, if something in his youth screwed him up, it was the virus, and that screwed all of us up. Third, even though I'm not saying that what happened between you and him wasn't a huge mess and a lot of it was your fault, it doesn't mean it's scarred him for life. Men get through things like this. Some better than others. If I were to compare him and me, I'd actually say he got through his first big fuck-up a lot better than I through mine" he closed and gave her a little self-deprecating smile.

She tried to believe him, but it was near impossible after all that time she had spent feeling guilty. She wanted – wanted oh so much – for him to be right, but she didn't believe he actually could be.

"So what do you suggest, Ryan?"

"I suggest that by all means, you go see him. But don't run him over with your feelings. For one, guys don't like being cast as the victim – 'I've been so mean to you, I'm so sorry' – and for another, it's more likely you'll both be able to leave with your dignity intact."

"Which means...?"

"Go for the more casual approach. 'Hey Jack, it's been a while. Wanna have some coffee and catch up?' Something of the sort. Make it possible for him to, you know, be casual about it too. If you steamroller over him with your guilt trip, it's bound to explode in your face, because too many emotions will be involved."

Ellie nodded pensively. It did make sense, sort of. And at any rate, it sounded much more appealing than the approach she had been envisaging – casting herself at his feet and begging for forgiveness.

Alice had been sitting by (uncharacteristically) quietly until now, but now that Ryan seemed to have finished giving out his pearls of wisdom, she fixated Ellie again with her concerned big-sister look.

"And what happens then, Ellie?"

"You mean, after I've gone and seen him which may or may not lead to him forgiving me, which in turn may or may not lead to me forgiving myself?"

"Yeah. After all that."

"I don't know. I go home, I guess. See what happens."

"Yes, but what is it that you _want_, Ellie?"

"I want to be free. I want to be able to look at my daughter without thinking about Jack, or Luke, or the past. I want to be able to think about something that isn't related to love, for once. I want to be able to figure out what it is that I want, since I have no fucking clue what that might be, because I haven't been able to think straight for more than a month."

With that, she got up and went outside, to sit on the porch by herself in the cool night air. Winter was coming, but it was still far away.

Ryan found her there a while later. He sat down next to her, and she gave him a friendly bump of the shoulder.

"When did you get so good at giving advice?"

"Oh, you know. Here and there. Watching people. Thinking a lot. I know nobody really expects me to do that, but I do. And I know you, and I know him." He paused, thinking. "Also, I've spent the last five or six years living with Tai San. I guess she rubbed off on me." Ellie couldn't help but smile at that. "Look at it this way. Yes, you messed up back then. Yes, you hurt him. But it's not as if a single action or event defines a person forever. Just because he was fucked up back then, it doesn't mean that he's fucked up now. And just because you did some stupid things back when you were young, it doesn't mean you have to regret them for the rest of your life." He gave her a final pat on the back and went back inside the house.

She knew she ought to go to bed, too, but she couldn't face it. Not yet. Going to bed would mean she'd be that much closer to tomorrow, and that, in turn, would mean being closer to going and seeing him. She didn't know how she was supposed to do that. The two halves of her mind were still arguing about what would be the better option, the casual approach or the groveling one. And she wasn't certain whether his forgiveness (_if_ there was forgiveness – which was a big _if_) would actually help. She had a wicked feeling that she might continue to blame herself for everything that happened no matter what Jack said to her.


End file.
